


Snug

by adkinsmayo



Series: Snug [1]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Reader Insert, Romance, Smut, The Last of Us - Freeform, The Last of Us Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:41:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 26,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25641508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adkinsmayo/pseuds/adkinsmayo
Relationships: Joel (The Last of Us)/Reader, Joel Miller/Reader, Joel Miller/You
Series: Snug [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1858840
Comments: 36
Kudos: 118





	1. Chapter 1

You thought you knew everyone in Jackson. In fact, you knew just about everyone a little too well. For a few years before outbreak day, you had been studying psychology at the University of Texas with the hope of becoming a therapist someday. You would’ve never expected it to go like this though. That you’d end up in the middle of Wyoming acting as a makeshift counselor for every troubled soul that resided in Jackson. You didn’t have all the answers or all the expertise, you weren’t even technically qualified by pre-outbreak standards. But you knew a thing or two and it seemed to be helpful for a least a couple of people that you knew of for sure.

But you really never would've thought that you’d see the likes of Joel Miller knocking at your door, asking if you had some time to talk.

You’d said a few words to Joel and seen him around the town but you didn’t really know him. You knew Ellie and you knew Tommy- the two people who were closest to him but you never had the pleasure of getting to know him personally. Everyone has a story and even though a lot of them are about the same post-outbreak, they were all worthy of being heard. But Joel always seemed the strong and silent type, not one to feel the need to tell his story because emotions like that get in the way. Emotions like that can get you killed. Even in the safe walls of Jackson, it seemed like Joel would always feel this way.

And yet, here he is.

“I’ve always got time to talk, come on in.”

“Thank you.”

He mumbled sheepishly under his breath. Coming to you for help was something he was having some obvious discomfort with. But odds are, it’s just hard for him to let go of some things that he’s been holding on to for so long. But you knew just the thing to crack a hard shell like Joel’s.

Joel stood awkwardly in your front room, waiting for some kind of instruction from you as to where he should go.

“Follow me, we’ll have our chat in the snug.”

“The what?”

“The snug. A little cozy place in my back room. Perfect place for a warm drink and conversations.”

You start to make your way through your small home.

“Where’d you come up with a name like ‘snug’?”

“Dunno. Guess it just reminds me of my dad. He always used to ask me if I was ‘all snug as a bug in a rug’ before telling me goodnight when I was a kid.”

Joel let out a single quiet chuckle.

“That’s sweet.”

You opened up the glass double doors that separated the snug from the rest of the house and lifted up your arm to direct Joel towards the various places he could choose to sit.

“Sit anywhere you like. Can I get you something to drink?”

Joel makes his way to the farthest couch away from the doorway and plops down on it, getting more comfortable by the second.

“Might be a longshot, but you wouldn’t happen to have any coffee?”

You gave him a warm smile but shook your head.

“’fraid not, my friend.”

Joel leans back and takes a look around the room.

“No worries, like I said, it was a longshot. I’ll be just be just fine without a beverage but thank you, sweetheart.”

“Of course.”

You head further into the snug, leaving the double doors open to signal to Joel that he’s able to leave anytime he wishes to. You take a seat on the other couch next to him.

“Can see why you call it a snug now.”

“Yeah, it’s real nice in the winter- you get a fire going in the fireplace, grab yourself whatever hot drink you can get your hands on.”

Joel looks down, flashing a small closed mouth smile towards the carpet.

“Sounds nice.”

You’re quiet for just a moment, allowing the air to settle before diving into whatever it is Joel came to talk to you about today.

“So what’s on your mind, Joel.”

“Didn’t think you even knew my name, darlin.”

“’course I know your name, silly. You do realize I’ve been friends will Ellie and Tommy for years now. You think they’d never mention you?”

Joel continues to look down, unable to really look you in the eye. Doesn’t bother you none though, whatever makes him comfortable.

“Right.”

“We’ve also met a couple times before, honey.”

“Have we really? I’m sorry, I didn’t remember.”

You lift your hand up and wave it in the air to brush away any assumption that you were offended by this.

“Think nothin’ of it.”

Joel takes a deep sigh and leans forward, bringing his elbows up on his thigh so he can twiddle his thumbs.

“There’s no reason to be nervous, Joel. I know HIPPA isn’t really a thing anymore but whatever you say here, stays here- and there’s nothin’ you could say that will scare me.”

“I know, it’s just- I’ve never done anything like this before.”

“That’s okay, we don’t have to get into the nitty gritty stuff today. How about you just tell me a little bit about yourself?”

Joel leans back in his seat but still doesn’t look you in the eye.

“Well I’ve been in Jackson for a while now with my adopted daughter, Ellie. Tommy’s my younger brother- um, I- uh.”

You laugh a little softly and give Joel’s arm a squeeze.

“It’s okay, Joel. This ain’t some kind of interview. How about you tell me what you did for a livin’ pre-outbreak day? If you’re comfortable with that.”

Joel face blanks out for just a second as it’s been a while since he’s even thought about life pre-outbreak. But then he shakes his head and clears his throat before answering.

“I mean, sure, don’t see a problem with that. I was working as a carpenter out near Austin, Texas-“

“No shit!”

You exclaim- Joel finally looks over at you and is confused by your bright expression.

“I was in Austin pre-outbreak!”

Joel’s face relaxes and he even smiles a bit.

“Seriously?”

“I was! I was studying at UT before all hell broke loose and was living at the QZ there for a few years.”

Joel shook his head in disbelief and turned his stature towards you.

“You’re kiddin’ me. They really had a QZ set up there? Shit, if I would’ve known maybe I would’ve-“

You held up your hand to stop him.

“Oh no, Joel. It was a total shitshow, you’re lucky you ended up elsewhere. Hell only a few years in, it was pretty much blown up by a group of Fireflies but me and some folks managed to get out relatively unscathed enough to make our way further up north.”

“Is that how you ended up in Jackson?”

“More or less, wasn’t really lookin’ for anything we just had been walking up for years- there was only 4 of us left by the time we made it to Wyoming.”

“Jesus. Where are those other 3 now?”

You shrugged your shoulders and this time you looked away from Joel. This was kind of a touchy subject for you.

“Dunno. We parted ways after a few weeks here.”

There was a beat of silence before anyone spoke up again.

“So why’d you end up staying?”

“Same reason as everyone else, I guess. It’s safe here and Tommy and Maria were the only people I had ever encountered since the outbreak to ever be welcoming towards me.”

“Yeah, they’re a good bunch, those two.”

You smiled and turned your gaze back to Joel.

“You ever think about Austin?”

You asked him.

“Not really. Seems like a whole other planet now.”

“I do. I think about it all the time.”

You look up at the ceiling, dashing your eyes back and forth as if you were watching your memories being displayed up there. It goes quiet for another moment before Joel speaks up.

“You remember the Bob Bullock museum?”

You instantly turn your head back at Joel, a grin plastered on your face as you dove deep into almost forgotten memories.

“God, I haven’t heard that name in decades.”

Joel’s face started to harden and the pace of his breathing started to pick up. Like he was prepping himself to say something in that realm of “nitty gritty”. You didn’t push him or signal him or pressure him in anyway, just let the silence ride out until he was ready to say what he needed to say.

“My-uh-“

Joel clears his throat and pulls at the collar of his shirt.

“My late daughter loved museums. I think we walked through that creepy wax museum about 100 times.”

Joel paused to let out a shaky breath.

“We were plannin’ a trip to Houston to do a round trip of every museum we could afford to go to- Moody Gardens, NASA, Natural History- I took off a whole weekend of work to take her-“

Joel’s voice broke on the last word and he had to stop talking to focus his energy on not crying. You reached out and touched his shoulder, rubbing it slightly as somewhat of a distraction to bring him back down from the ledge he was on.

“What was her name?”

You simply asked.

“Sarah.”

He let out a very deep breath, one that wasn’t at all shaky as he was starting to calm down. He pats your hand that you had left resting on his shoulder, giving you the cue that it’s okay to let go.

“Her name was Sarah.”

Joel turns his head to face you, his skin red and his eyes wet. You flash him a comforting smile before giving his shoulder one last squeeze.

“She must’ve been one hell of a kid to get a weekend like that.”

Joel chuckles slightly, closing his eyes for a moment.

“She was.”

“I appreciate you sharing this with me. How about you come by again in a few days? I’ll see if I can manage to find some beans to make us some coffee with.”

Joel nods his head and gives you a small smile.

“I’d like that.”


	2. Chapter 2

Joel showed up at your door a few days later, just like said he would. After his first visit, you were excited that he decided to come back. Maybe a little too excited.

“Howdy there, partner.”

You greeted him with an exaggerated twang.

He smiled as he stepped into your home once again.

“Howdy.”

He said softly before already making his way towards the snug.

Truth be told, you didn’t usually see “clients” in the snug. You actually had a sort of office at the end of your hallway on the first floor. But this was an exception you were gladly willing to make.

“Tea? Water?”

You asked as you both passed by your kitchen.

“Thought you were gonna try to wrangle up some beans for us?”

You let out a small groan in frustration.

“I know, I’m tryin’, those suckers really are tough to find- but trust me, I’m workin’ on it.”

You sat down before Joel and he uses this leverage to give you a few gentle pats on the top of your head.

“Don’t fret, darlin’.”

You pushed his hand away and laughed at his teasing gesture.

“Yeah, yeah- I’ll fret if I feel like it.”

Joel actually sits down on the same couch as you on the opposite end, to your surprise. He seemed very relaxed today.

“Never woulda guessed you had such a smartmouth.”

“Did I mention that I was friends will Ellie?”

You both laugh before falling into a comfortable silence.

“So where should we get started today?”

Joel blows out a loud breath while he pauses a moment to think.

“I’d like to get to know you a bit better, I think.”

“Me?”

You ask, a bit shocked.

“Yeah you, dummy.”

You sighed and leaned back in your seat and gestured towards him.

“I mean, what do you wanna know?”

“So you said you’re from the Austin area. Had you been there your whole life?”

“Pretty much yeah, grew up in Spicewood but as soon as I was able, I zipped out to the city.”

“Spicewood, really? Thought you’d have a much thicker accent bein’ from Spicewood.”

“Yeah, you’d think, but my folks moved to that area soon after I was born so whatever twang I picked up, I picked it up from outside my home.”

Joel leaned back, looked up, and put his arms behind his head.

“Huh, interesting.”

You leaned forward and shifted your body to face him.

“Did you really come all this way just to talk about my accent?”

“I mean, ‘s not like I walked far- your house is only about a half a block away from mine.”

You pushed at his arm hard enough to disturb him from his relaxed position.

“You know what I meant, Joel.”

You made sure to keep your tone bright as you weren’t meaning to pressure him, just giving him a hard time.

“I really do just want to get to know you better, Y/N! I swear!”

You shifted to lean against the back of the couch again.

“Okay, whatever you say- ask away, my friend.”

“So you say you came here with a group.”

“Yes.”

You said, dragging the word out.

“Well I mean, how involved were you with this group? Were they your friends or?”

“I don’t think I considered them to friends, per say- none of us were very close but we looked out for one another.”

“Right.”

“I did have- a kind of a-“

“Kind of a, what?”

“Sort of, fling with one of them but they-“

“Died?”

Your eyes opened wide and you focused your gaze back on Joel again.

“Oh god, no. I mean, I think he’s still alive- he was one of the few who made it to Jackson and I thought maybe-“

You let out a small sigh.

“You were thinkin’ he liked you enough to want to stay with you.”

You pointed a finger gun at him and popped your lips while looking away from him.

“Bingo.”

Joel rubs the back of his neck, not in discomfort of the subject matter, but more just irritated with the fact that someone could treat you like that.

“I’m really sorry to hear that, darlin’.”

You waved your hand in the air.

“No, don’t be. It was just nice to have somebody like that for a while but it just wasn’t meant to be.”

“I get that.”

You look back over at him.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah I uh- was married before.”

You sat up and pulled your legs up and tucked them under you in a way that had you directly facing Joel, showing him that you had his undivided attention.

“And what was that like?”

Joel laughed softly and shook his head.

“Not great. It was good a first, I didn’t exactly love her but marrying her seemed like the right thing to do at the time.”

“Why is that?”

“She- well she was pregnant.”

“Ah. I see.”

“The way it ended was- messy, to say the least. I really cut all ties with her and ended up with full custody of Sarah.”

You nodded your head to signal again that you were following.

“I thought maybe we could’ve been happy. That the love would eventually come. I mean the sheer amount that I loved Sarah I-“

Joel chokes up a bit. You touch his arm and give it a gentle squeeze.

“But it didn’t. The next time I felt somethin’ for someone was- she-“

You start to rub up and down Joel’s arm to help bring him back down.

“Hey, hey, hey- it’s alright, I’m right here. We don’t have to talk about this anymore if you don’t want to, honey.”

Joel takes and deep breath and shuts his eyes for a moment. As soon as his eyes shut, a few tears fall but he quickly wipes them away- forcing his arm away from your touch. This was probably for the best though, he was obviously dealing with a lot of pain that was being resurfaced so better to just let him come to you if he needs that kind of reassurance.

Joel opens his eyes again and pats you on the shoulder.

“I’m okay.”

You flash him a quick smile.

“Her name was Tess. She died a couple years ago trying to help me and Ellie out of a bad situation. I really felt like I’d never love anyone again after that. The thought of maybe losin’ em just seemed like too much for me to bare again. That is until I really started to get to know Ellie.”

He smiled at the thought of Ellie. His shining light in all of this.

Joel blew out a long exhale, as if he were finally letting go of things he had been carrying for so long. You reach out to rub his back just below his neck.

“Feelin’ a bit better?”

He drags his hands down his face before letting out a small chuckle.

“I never told anyone that I loved Tess. Not even Tess knew.”

“Oh trust me, she knew.”

Joel looked at you with a hint of skepticism.

“And how do you reckon that?”

“Well I’ll tell ya- love isn’t just something you express to people by just saying “I love you”. You ever heard the term, ‘action speaks louder than words’?”

“Ringin’ a few bells, yeah.”

“Well trust me, if you loved her- you couldn’t help but showing it, and if you’re telling me that she was willing to put her life down on the line for you, that was her way of telling you that she loved you too.”

Joel’s eyes moved to look down to the floor as he contemplated what you just told him and then he smiled.

“Makes sense.”

He said very quietly.

“So none of this ‘I wish I would’ve said something sooner’ because you did say it, Joel. In more ways than you probably know.”

He looked back up and you and his smile grew a little bigger.

“Thank you, Y/N.”

“’s what I’m here for, partner.”


	3. Chapter 3

The night after you saw Joel and talked about Tess, there was a knock at your door. Well, more like a pounding. It was pretty late so you figured there was some sort of emergency so you rushed to open the door.

And there standing was a very flustered Joel.

His chest was heaving like he had run as fast as he could the whole way here.

“Joel- whats going on-“

Joel lunges towards you, grabbing your face in his hands and crashing his lips onto yours. You were shocked but it didn’t take long for you to melt into the kiss- reaching up to cradle his neck.

That was until you awoke to actual banging at your door.

Not necessarily an unwanted dream but not exactly the most appropriate one for you to be having.

Especially when it actually is Joel that is at your door.

“Joel, what’s the matter?”

“You say that Tess loved me?”

“Yeah, Joel, but I-“

“What if- I- Y/N, I don’t deserve it.”

You rubbed your eyes to wake yourself up more, not totally understanding what he was saying.

“Joel, what do you mean?”

“I don’t deserve to be loved, Y/N. Tess died for nothing and I can’t- I wish that I- oh god, Y/N-“

He takes a few steps forward and his head crashes onto your chest while he wraps you up in a tight embrace. You’re taken aback by it but you manage to hold your ground, bringing your hands up to cradle his head and scratch lightly at his scalp.

“Joel-“

“No, Y/N, it’s true- I don’t deserve-“

You shush him gently and urge him to move his head to look you in the eye, all whist keeping your hands on either side of his face.

“Joel Miller, you listen to me. You do deserve to be loved. You may have made mistakes in the past, maybe some really big ones- but you do deserve love. The way you love others- Ellie, Tommy, Sarah- just proves it.”

Joel’s breathing starts to slow down as you wipe a few tears away from his face with your thumbs.

“How about you come inside for a little while?”

Joel closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before nodding.

You brush his hair back a bit before letting go of his face. You turned around but before you could take any steps away from Joel, he takes your hand in his and holds it while he follows you into the snug.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this sorta panicky, emotional, Joel is a bit out of character but hear me out. Joel doesn't necessarily trust reader so much that he’s willing to show this side of himself- it’s not that. I mean he does trust her but it’s not about trust. He’s just starting to take some steps towards dealing with deep rooted trauma that he either hasn't dealt with at all or that he hasn't dealt with completely. And once he started, a bunch of stuff just started coming up to the point where he couldn't really stop his panic attack. Reader was just the only one who had given him the space to process these feelings, so he turned to her in his crisis. Ya feel me?

Once you reach the snug, Joel let’s go of your hand and plops down in his usual spot. You carefully take a seat down next to him. You softly place your hand just above his knee which prompts him to look at you.

“Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours, Texas.”

Joel laughs a bit pathetically, as if he barely has the energy to smile let alone laugh.

“Tess used to call me that.”

“Great minds.”

You take your other hand and reach up to touch his cheek, but only for just a moment.

“What’s something your feeling right now?”

“Angry.”

You nod.

“What else?”

“G-Guilty.”

“Can you tell me what for?”

Joel’s face falls again and it killed you to see him hurting like this but you knew that if he just kept avoiding these feelings, they would just continue to come back to bite him again and again.

“Tess didn’t deserve to die. It should’ve been me.”

“What makes you think that, Joel?”

“I just- I’m not a good person- I’ve done horrible things.”

You give his leg a squeeze before responding.

“You want to know what I think?”

Joel gives a curt nod.

“I think you’re full of shit.”

Joel busts out a single laugh.

“Excuse me?”

“I said, I think you’re full of shit.”

“How? What- I-?”

“Joel, I’m going to let you in on a little secret-“

You leaned even closer to him, even though you were already sitting as close as you possibly could to him on your terribly tacky couch.

“Life doesn’t work that way. Good, bad, evil, deserve, not deserve- it’s just not how it works.”

You whisper to him as if you were actually telling him a secret. You pull back and put a hand on each of his shoulders.

“I know you’ve got a couple of years on me but I will tell you that no one is 100% good or 100% bad. We all make mistakes. And we hardly ever get what we truly deserve. You, Joel Miller,”

You touch his face once again but this time you leave your hand to rest there while you finished your point.

“are just as worthy of happiness and love as the rest of us. So you’ve majorly fucked up on several occasions, done some truly terrible stuff but you have to recognize the good you’ve done too.”

You move your hands away from his body and let them sit in your lap.

“You have taken up the role of a single father not once, but twice. You’ve helped build up this safe place so many people now can call home, even in the midst of this insane apocalyptic setting we now all live in. And the fact that you can recognize your mistakes, and you don’t go running off acting like you’ve done no wrong, just goes to show what a good man you truly are. As for Tess-“

Joel’s head started to droop but you picked it up by touching his cheek once again.

“Tess was a grown up. She made her decision and you can wrestle with the concept of whether or not you deserved it all day long- weighing off all your good and bad deeds and averaging them out or whatever- it will not change the fact that Tess still made her own decision.”

You wiped away a few stray tears from Joel’s face, not thinking about the boundaries you’re possibly crossing.

“Not to belittle the situation, but think of it like this: say I bake you a wonderful cake-“

Joel chuckles as whatever silly metaphor you’re about to paint. Realizing he’s much more level headed now, you reluctantly move your hand from his face for the last time. No need for those grounding touches now that he’s now back on the ground.

“and you tell me, in the deep southern growl of yours, but I don’t deserve this cake. Well okay, but I still made this cake for you- so are you really going to refuse it because you believe you don’t deserve it? Well I think you deserve it, which is why I made it for you in the first place. Am I making any sense at all or am I just further insulting the memory of Tess?”

Joel sighs through a small smile and shakes his head.

“I see what you’re getting at, darlin’.”

You give Joel’s leg a very friendly pat. An obvious contrast to the intimate touches you were giving him just moments earlier.

“I’m glad you came to me with this, Joel. I’m always here for you, I hope you know that.”

Joel slowly tucks a strand of hair behind your ear but he doesn’t linger- simply dropping his hand back down.

“Thank you, Y/N.”

Your cheeks are most likely burning red as you’re so quick to give comforting touches, but to receive them is a whole other story. You clear your throat and shake this feeling off a little.

“Anytime, sweetheart.”

You start to stand up, thinking that Joel would now be leaving.

“Wait-“

You sit all the way back down and give Joel a questioning look.

“Do you think I could- maybe, stay here tonight? I’ll sleep here in the snug, I just- I don’t really want to go back to my empty house right now.”

You take a glance at the clock on your wall. No one really knows if that’s actually the correct time but based on this estimate to what it’s set at, it read at about 1:30 in the morning.

“It is pretty late but where’s Ellie run off to?”

“She went over to Dina’s for dinner with her and her family and decided to stay the night. Honestly it’s my first night truly on my own in a while. Hence the whole-“

“Yeah, I gotcha.”

You contemplated for just a second longer, this time actually recognizing the boundaries you might be overstepping. But the care you had for Joel after only just starting to really get to know him overshadowed this technicality.

“Sure, it’s pretty late anyhow, wouldn’t want you walkin’ home at this hour. I’ll go grab you a pillow and a blanket. I’ll be right back.”

You get up and just pop around the corner to your hallway closet to grab some extra bedding for Joel to sleep more comfortably.

You head back to Joel and he’s sitting exactly as you left him. You hand him the pillow and the blanket and start to turn away to go back to your bedroom.

“Well, good night-“

“Could you maybe stay- for just a bit?”

You start to get a little agitated. Not that you didn’t want to stay, but he was making it very hard for you to be professional.

“What for?”

“Just sit with me for a little bit, you don’t even have to wait for me to fall asleep- I just-“

Joel pauses as he really thinks over what he’s about to say.

“I think I’d just be able to relax a little easier with you close by.”

You sigh, unable to deny him that.

“Okay, but just for a little bit.”

Joel gets situated on the couch and you take a seat on the one next to him. You hadn’t realized how tired you were until you sat down. You definitely didn’t expect to fall asleep. But you did. Something about the atmosphere just felt right.

Calm.

Safe.

It’s all you really want for Joel, you just didn’t realize how much of it was effecting you too.


	5. Chapter 5

You woke up way later than you probably should have but luckily it was your day off. Your back and neck hurt from the position you had slept in on the couch but once you stretched out all your aching muscles, you turned over your gaze to see that Joel had left. He even folded up the blanket you gave him and placed the pillow nicely on top of it. You smiled at his polite gesture.

That smile didn’t last too long though as your mind began to race.

Thoughts of broken boundaries and picking over every little thing you had said and done the night before.

Even though you didn’t have any plans today, you sure as hell filled your day up with as much stuff as possible.

First, you threw on some tunes- an old Johnny Cash record- and began to clean your entire house, starting with the snug. Seeing as it’s been the place you’ve been spending the most time lately.

Once that was finished, you headed further into town to see if you could trade for some ingredients to make yourself something sweet. Luckily, Maria owed you a favor so she let you off with everything at no cost. Even threw in some extra peaches in the deal for you.

You started making your way back home but was stopped by Ellie calling out to you.

“Hey punk, where’ve you been?”

Ellie asked as she approached you. She’s dressed up in some hefty gear.

“What’s it to you? And where do you think you’re headed?”

“What’s it to _you_?”

You smile and rub the top of her head to ruffle up her hair. She laughs and pushes your arm away.

“Hey! You know how long it takes to master the perfect messy ponytail, lady?”

“Just think of it as me helping you with that ‘effortless hobo’ look.”

“Asshole!”

You wrap your arm around her shoulders and you step outside of the shop you had gotten your ingredients for, calling out a farewell to Maria on your way out.

“If you must know where I’ve been, I’ve just been busy with-“

You pause for a second, wondering if it was okay to even talk about your “work” with Joel to Ellie.

“With Joel? Yeah, he told me he started going to see you. How’s that been going?”

“Good, I think. I was pretty surprised he even wanted my help.”

“Yeah, well it took a lot of convincing but you know how good I am at wearing people down.”

So it was Ellie who had gotten him to come. Makes sense, he would’ve been unlikely to come on his own.

“Oh, I’m aware.”

You release Ellie from your embrace as a que to her that you were about to head back home.

“Wait, before I forget!”

Ellie takes off her backpack and puts in on the ground in front of her so she can open it up and hand you a familiar bundle of paintbrushes.

“Thanks for letting me borrow these, Tommy actually managed to find me some in an abandoned art shop during a patrol in the town over a few days ago.”

You took the brushes from her and stuck them in your bag of groceries.

“Thanks, kiddo. Let me know if you ever want to come by and we can do some painting together.”

Ellie resituated herself and gave you a quick side hug.

“I’d really like that, Y/N.”

She starts to jog away but you call out to her.

“Wait, you never told me where you were going!”

She didn’t stop moving away but just yelled back to you.

“Short patrol with Tommy and Jesse, gotta get some practice in sometime!”

Your heart thumps with worry in your chest, you don’t think you’ll ever get used to her growing up. You’ve only known her for a few years but you’d take a bullet for her any day.

“Please be careful!”

She turns around and starts jogging backwards.

“Hey- careful is my middle-“

She trips over her own feet and falls right on her ass, letting out an exaggerated ‘oof’ as she hits the ground.

You lift your hand to cover your mouth to muffle your laughter.

“That’s definitely reassuring!”

“Shut up!”

Ellie picks herself back up and continues to make her way to the stables, holding up a middle finger in your direction.

You shake your head and laugh before heading back home.

The rest of your day was filled up with baking, watercolors, and now you’re spending your evening on your front porch picking at your ukulele.

In your early days in Jackson, you helped out by joining groups for scavenging and patrols. One day it was just you and Tommy and he surprised you by taking you to an old music store they had just cleared out a few days ago. There wasn’t a lot to choose from but there was a few guitars and some ukulele’s just there for the taking. You used to play in college pre-outbreak, so it was really nice for Tommy to have remembered you telling him about it.

Even though you tried avoiding thinking about Joel all day, everything still pretty much revolved around him. The sweet thing you baked was a peach cobbler, the painting you made was of a bundle of bluebonnets- all things you could say that you were just feeling sentimental about Texas but that would be a lie. And now you’re playing a song that you just can’t seem to get out of your head.

_Kidnapped and stabbed by the Mexican mob_

_Or buried alive like a martyr_

_Whatever the dangers the world out there holds_

_I bet you that I’ll take them farther_

_What if you die frozen in the cold_

_What if you forget me when you’re old_

_But when I sleep all I can dream is_

_White Bicycles under a tree_

_When I wake all that I know is_

_I don’t want to let you go_

“That’s a strange little tune.”

You hadn’t noticed Joel standing at the other end of your porch until he spoke up. You get a little flustered as you don’t make a habit of singing in front of others.

“Just something a friend of mine wrote.”

“Well you’ve got a lovely voice, I didn’t even know you played.”

You laughed a little awkwardly as you placed the ukulele back in it’s case.

“Not very well.”

Joel makes his way closer to you, each step making your heart pound a little harder.

“Now who’s the one full of shit.”

You look down and laugh again, happy that he wasn’t offended at your attempt to distract him the night before.

“Thought maybe we could talk for a bit. If you’ve got the time.”

You stand up and dust off your lap before guiding him inside.

“Of course, always got time for my favorite cowboy.”

It _was_ your day off but you’ve made so many exceptions for him already, why would you stop now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is: White Bicycles by Katy Kirby (to which you can only listen to here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gYdY2pCqwA)- an actual Texas Native who is in fact of friend of mine. just to really solidify that this fic is just me straight up projecting lmao


	6. Chapter 6

“Can I interest you in some cobbler?”

You pointed at the pan you’d left sitting out on your kitchen counter, a few pieces already missing from it. 

“Sure, I’ll take a piece.” 

Joel takes a seat on a bar stool in front of the counter while you walk around it to get a piece of the cobbler for him. You grab a plate and set it in front of him before starting to scoop him out a serving. 

“You’re not gonna have any?”

You laugh a little at his question due to what your answer is about to be.

“and who do you think had all these other pieces, hm?” 

“Figured people passing through might’ve had some.” 

You finish plating the messy dessert and push it closer to him, turning around to grab him a fork from one of the drawers in your kitchen. 

“Didn’t have anyone come in today, it’s uh- it’s my day off.” 

Joel shifts a little in his chair. He’s a bit uncomfortable at the idea of possibly being an inconvenience to you. 

“Oh, I’m sorry- if you want I could-“

You wave the fork in the air before handing it over to him. 

“No, no. I’m glad you’re here. You’re welcome to come anytime, Joel.” 

Joel sticks his fork into a chunk of peach, the sound the prongs make as they scrape the plate make you both flinch a little. 

“I’m sure you say that to everybody.”

Joel says through a sigh before he takes his first bite. You take the pan from the counter and cover it with a clean dish towel that was left on the counter before you store it for later in the now cool oven. 

“Actually I don’t.” 

You say just under your breath, but your sure he still heard you as Joel clears his throat quietly- most likely unsure of how to reply to this sentiment.  
But you brush it off by confidently turning back towards him with the hopes to change the subject. 

“Be easy with the critique, alright? I know it would be better with a scoop of Blue Bell but I-“

Joel groans as leans back in his chair.

“Jesus Christ, Blue Bell goddamn ice cream- I couldn’t tell you how long it’s been since I thought about that name.” 

You smile and jerk your head in the direction of the snug.

“Should we take this in the snug?” 

Joel raises his eyebrows and lifts his plate as he stands up.

“Lead the way, darlin.”

“I’m just gonna go grab my uke from outside, I’ll meet you there.”

You and Joel head off in opposite directions as he heads to the snug and you head out to your front porch. You grab your ukulele case and set it down as soon as you get inside before making your way to join Joel once again. Once you make it past the double doors, you spot Joel sitting in his usual spot holding up the watercolor you had made earlier today. 

“Did you do this?”

He asks in a bright, almost surprised tone. He had gotten to know you a little better since you started spending time together but there was still some things he didn’t know. 

“I did, indeed.” 

He sets down the painting of the flowers on the coffee table as you head over to sit by him. 

“Well color me impressed, darlin’.”

“Well it’s yours if you’d like it, darlin’”

You mocked his liberal use of the pet name and he looked over at you with his eye a little widened.

“Are you sure?”

You pick the page up and fold it in half before handing it over to him.  
“It’s all yours. It’s the only thing I really know how to paint anyhow so I’ve got quite a few just like it.”

Joel takes it reluctantly as if he were somehow going to destroy it in his rough hands. 

“Think of it as a little reminder to think of Texas.” 

Joel smiles warmly before tucking it away in the inner pocket of his jacket. 

“That’s awfully kind of you, sweetheart. And the cobbler was lovely by the wa-“

He stops in the middle of the word. 

“What is it?”

He gives you a little shit-eating grin.

“Did you make that cobbler specifically for me?”

You furrow your brows and toss your head back at his assumption.

“What? No!”

“Sure seems that way.”

You scoff and shake your head, now a little embarrassed. 

“How do you reckon that?” 

“Well yesterday you had that whole thing about ‘bakin’ me a cake even if I don’t deserve it’ or somethin’ or rather.” 

Your eyes look down and to the side as you start to think about how this all looks. 

“Well I-“

“First you play me a nice little song, you make me a cobbler, and now your paintin’ pictures for me? ‘s somethin’ you’re trying to tell me?”

You let out another awkward laugh and shake your head probably a bit too aggressively. 

“First of all, I did not play a song for you I was already-“

Joel starts to laugh. 

“I’m only teasin’.” 

You shove at his arm but eventually chuckle along with him. 

“Such an asshole. I make a whole cobbler for you and this is how you treat me?” 

“Well not a whole cobbler, was quite a few pieces missin’ when I got here.”

“Joel Miller, I swear to everything that is holy-“

Joel holds up his hands but still quietly laughing at you. 

“Alright, alright, easy-“

You two laugh together for a moment and you almost forget as to why he was actually here. The thought was enough to put a little damper on your spirit as it was kind of nice to just pretend for a second that your relationship was more than it actually was. The room got mostly quiet before you spoke up. 

“So, what can I do you for, partner?”

“Oh, right- I uh-“

Joel clears his throat and quickly wipes at his mouth with the back of his hand. 

“I was wondering if you were busy tomorrow?” 

You’re a bit confused by this question and your sure it most likely showed on your face. 

“Thought maybe we could go for a little hike in the woods just outside of town. Have one of our chats there.” 

Your face relaxes and you give him a small smile. 

“What, gettin’ sick of the snug?”

Joel laughs and he pats the arm of the couch.

“I would never. Just thought it’d be nice to have a change of scenery.” 

You reach out your hand for Joel to shake. He laughs but reaches out to grab it and you shake it a single time. 

“It’s a date.” 

Not too long after Joel had left and despite the late hour there was yet again another visitor knocking at your door. 

“Is that Joel again?”

You whispered to yourself as you headed to your front room. 

“Did you forget something, J- oh Tommy, hey.”

You say as you open up the door. Tommy chuckles quietly. There’s a fresh cut just above his right eyebrow.

“Expectin’ someone else?”

“Not expectin’ anyone at this hour.” 

Tommy sheepishly tucks his hands into his pockets. 

“Right, sorry about that, Y/N. Maria sent me over.”

Tommy moves his backpack from his back so he’s able to get into it without setting it on the ground. He pulls out a medium sized cloth bag that’s tied with some butchers twine. 

“She said she meant to give this to you earlier when she saw you at the shops. Said you had been askin’ around for scavengers to keep an eye out for it.” 

Your eyes light up and you give the bag a smell. 

“Where did y’all find this?” 

You ask in utter disbelief. That and because the timing couldn’t be more perfect. 

“Couple of stragglers we found on one of the patrols- traded us a bag if we let em hide out at one of our bases for the night. Was a close call though,”

Tommy points at the cut on his face.

“Took em’ a second to realize we were friendlies.” 

You touched Tommy’s cheek before pulling him in for a hug. 

“Thank you so much, Tommy. I really appreciate it.” 

He gives you a tight squeeze before you two let each other go. 

“Oh, it’s nothin’, sweetheart. ‘ts the least we can do for you. Besides, they gave us some fresh seedlings for us to try growin’ our own. One of em’ wouldn’t shut up about how to plant and roast em’.”

“Wow, pretty rare of you to find someone who cares more about coffee than Joel.”

You both laughed. 

“That’s for sure.” 

You hold the door open a little further.

“Did you want to come in for a bit?”

“Nah, that’s okay- gotta get back home to the missus. Just swung by to give you that.”

“Alright. Well goodnight, Tommy. Tell your wife I said hello and thank you.”

“Will do, darlin’.”

Tommy begins to walk away but before he gets too far you step out onto your porch.

“I’m still expectin’ to have y’all over for dinner one night, ya hear?”

“Yes ma’am, I’ll give Maria a reminder.”

“You better!”


	7. Chapter 7

Joel had you up at the ass crack of dawn. Something about the sunrise being almost as good as those in Texas. You were hiking up this “small” hill right next to the encampment and then would take a breather to chat for a while before heading back into town. But your version of small and Joel’s version were two very different things. 

“God, how much further?”

“Now you’re really startin’ to sound like Ellie. ‘s not much further now.”

“You said that 20 minutes ago, Joel!” 

Joel laughed and shook his head before stopping to give you a chance to catch up to him. 

“You never been on a hike before?”

“Yes, I have. Never this fucking early, however.”

Joel looks a little shocked but he still laughs. 

“You won’t be laughin’ when I keep your present all to myself.” 

“A present? For little ol’ me?” 

“Not if you keep sassin’.” 

“Alright, alright. It really is not far, it’s just up this ridge.” 

You finally caught up to him but he doesn’t even give you a second to catch your breath and you both carry on your way. You huff out a couple obnoxious breaths. 

“You know all this huffin’ and puffin’ isn’t gonna get me to carry you the rest of the way.” 

“Who said I needed carryin’?”

Being doubted like that gave you the incentive to walk a little faster, taking a few steps ahead of Joel. Joel chuckles quietly. 

“You really have been spendin’ too much time with Ellie.”

Before you knew it, you had made it to an opening in the trees- giving you a perfect view of the soon to be painted sky. 

You plop down on the ground in front of a fallen log and place your pack in front of you. Joel groans as he crouches down to sit next to you. 

“Ready for your present now?” 

“Let’s see it.”

You pull out a large green thermos, the kind that has a top you can use as a cup. 

“You got me a thermos? Oh you shouldn’t have.”

Joel said with a sarcastic monotone voice through a smile. You gave him a swift punch to the arm. 

“No, dummy. What’s in the thermos.” 

You pass it over to him and he feels the warmth of the bottle. 

“Is this-“

He quickly opens it and your grin grows with every turn of the lid, excited to see his reaction.

He finally gets it open and gives in inside a deep smell. 

“Sweet Jesus. Where in the hell did you get this?” 

“I have my ways.”

“Sorry what I meant was- who did you have to kill to get this?” 

You laugh before pulling out a camper’s mug for him to pour the coffee into. He tilts the thermos to fill the lid and then the mug before closing the top back up. He takes the lid and starts to lift it up to his mouth. 

“Careful. Might still be hot.” 

He blows on it carefully and then takes the first sip, closing his eyes to really savor it. 

“Well?”

“Darlin’, I could kiss you right now.”

Hearing that from the likes of Tommy or Seth or literally anyone else would be something you could just play along with but hearing it from Joel had you choking up a bit. Your awkward laugh you let out had to of been a dead giveaway as to how nervous you had just gotten. But you take a sip of your own coffee and take a breath. Shaking off this feeling as much as you can. You’ve made so much progress with Joel, now is not the time to go ruining everything. 

“Well if that’s what it takes to get a kiss from you, guess now’s a good time to talk about how you should lower your standards.”

Joel busts out a laugh. The joke had surprisingly rolled off of your tongue and you hope it was enough to show that his comment rolled right off your back. That is meant next to nothing to you. But even though he was probably joking, on the off chance that he was serious-

“What are you thinkin’ about, darlin’?” 

Joel leans back against the log and looks out towards the still dark blue sky. 

“Oh nothin’. What are you thinkin’ about?”

“How nice this is. Sky should be burnin’ any minute now.” 

He takes another sip of his coffee and you do the same before copying his positioning as you two wait for the sunrise. 

“This is nice.” 

“Got better ideas where this came from.” 

You scoff. 

“I doubt it.”

Joel laughs. The sky starts to finally turn a hue of orange.

“Made it this far haven’t I?”

“Nah, that’s just luck.” 

“No such thing.” 

“Well I sure as hell think you’re pretty lucky.” 

Joel takes a deep sigh. 

“Yeah-“ 

Joel turns to look over at you.

“I am.”

It might’ve been your imagination but you could’ve sworn he was slowly leaning his head closer to yours. 

Maybe he wasn’t kidding earlier. 

You shift a hair closer to him. 

The orange sky is now joined with streaks of red and yellow. 

There wasn’t even two inches between you now. 

Time felt like it had slowed to a halt. 

That is until an arrow zipped right behind you, whirring in your ear before it hits a tree just in front of you. You quickly pull apart. 

You hadn’t realized how close a buck was to the two of you until it started jumping away through the forest in front of you. 

Joel looks behind you to see who the hunter was and quickly spots him.

“Goddammit, Tommy!” 

Joel starts to wave his arms and you turn around to watch as Tommy heads towards the two of you. 

“Jesus, sorry y’all. Didn’t see ya.” 

You stood up and picked up the thermos along with your now empty cup before Tommy stood just in front of you. 

“No worries, Tommy. Looks like your buck got away though.”

Tommy sets his bow down next to Joel who’s still sitting on the ground. 

“Yeah, archery’s not really my strong suit- I’m much better with a rifle but figured I’d try to stick to bein’ quiet this mornin’.”

You pour some coffee into the mug and hand it to Tommy. Joel lets out a grunt as he stands back up, putting his pack on his back. 

“Thank you, darlin- hey where you off to so quick?”

You hadn’t noticed that Joel was already making his way down the hill without you but he stopped in his tracks once Tommy called him out.

“I’ve gotta get back.”

“We’re you just gonna leave me to go back alone?”

You ask him, a little hurt in your voice. 

“You can handle yourself, Y/N.”

You screw the lid back on the coffee. 

“Okay. Well, I’ll see you later?”

Joel continues down the hill. 

“Yeah, maybe.”

He says so quietly that you almost couldn’t hear him. Once he was far enough away, you turned back to Tommy.

“What’s his problem?”

He asked you before taking a sip of his coffee.

“No clue. I better start heading that way too, though.” 

“Right.” 

Tommy downed the rest of his coffee and picked up his bow before handing your cup back to you. 

“Thanks. I’ll see you later, Y/N.”

“See ya, Tommy. Good luck with your hunt.”

“Thanks, darlin’. I’ll need it.”

You laugh a little but your still so emotionally tangled up as to what’s just happened in the past 10 minutes or so. Was is 10 minutes? Maybe it was 20. Or an hour. You honestly had no idea.  
You just really hoped that everything wasn’t a huge mess now.


	8. Chapter 8

It had been almost 4 days since you saw Joel. Well you saw him out and about in town but you hadn’t spoken to one another since the morning on the hill.

You’d been kicking yourself every second of the day about any little slip in your behavior in the last time you had seen one another. Every little word or joke or touch was being psychoanalyzed by your over critical brain that had convinced you had done something wrong. 

Maybe you really did ruin everything.

But what was really killing you was how much you missed him.

Missed your little jokes or your references to things about Texas.

You could’ve sworn something was happening between you two.

But once again, you’ve been left behind by someone you thought liked you more than they really did.

Above it all, you just felt stupid.

Lost in thought, you hadn’t realized Ellie was standing next to you as you sat on your front porch contemplating everything.

“Y/N? Jesus, did you even hear me?”

She seemed really upset about something and maybe she had said why but you hadn’t been listening.

“Sorry, Ellie. What were you saying?”

“I said what the fuck is going on with you and Joel?”

You shook your head in confusion before standing up to lead Ellie inside your home. She followed right behind you.

“Nothing’s going on, why would you think something’s going on?”

For a second you thought maybe she was talking about your relationship. Maybe Joel had said something to her about it. Maybe you hadn’t ruined everything.

“Well obviously something’s going on! First he went to see you and he was doing better than he had been doing in a while but now he’s back to his mopey, snappy, self! So what the hell happened?”

You sighed and sat down at your kitchen counter.

“Ellie, sit down.”

Ellie huffs but does as you say, her hurting eyes staring intently at you, waiting for your response.

“Your dad hasn’t come to see me in a couple of days. I really don’t know what happened, he just stopped showing up. I’m not sure if I- if I maybe said something, I don’t know but I haven’t spoken to him in almost a week.”

Ellie sighs and rubs the spot between her eyebrows with her pointer finger and her thumb. Obviously very frustrated.

“He just-“

Ellie drops her hands back down into her lap.

“He yelled at me earlier. Got extra mad about me asking him about paired patrols again.”

Ellie abruptly stands up from her seat and starts to pace in front of you.

“I mean he gets onto me all the time, but he just seemed so pissed, Y/N. I mean don’t get me wrong, he would never hurt me or anything- please don’t think that- it was just so nice when he was-“

“Ellie, why don’t you take a few breaths.”

She does as you say and stops to stand in front of you.

“He’s had a few bad moments since he started seeing you, but just the same amount as everyone- but he’d been doing a hell of a lot better since he started talking with you. He just seems so off and now I know why.”

You give her a small smile and reach out to grab her arm.

“I appreciate your faith in me but really it was all Joel. He worked hard through some really tough stuff. I’m sure some other stuff is just coming up and it’s tough for him to get through right now.”

“Well I’ll convince him to come see you, I promise I’ll-“

“Ellie, no. Just leave him be. If he wants to come and see me, he will. If you push him, it’ll just make him more upset, okay?”

Ellie takes a big sigh.

“Okay.”

“Come ‘ere”

You pull her in for a tight hug.

“You can always come and talk to me, you know that right? Even if it’s about Joel, nothing will ever get back to him or anyone.”

“Yeah, I know.”

She mumbles into your shoulder.

You release her from your embrace but still hold her at arms length.

“You gonna be okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just worried about Joel.”

You rub up and down her arms.

“Yeah, me too, kiddo.”

Ellie blows out another exhale as she steps away from you.

“Alright. I’ve got to go. I’m meeting Tommy and Maria for dinner at their house.”

“You want me to walk you there?”

Ellie starts to make her way towards your front door.

“Nah, I’ll be fine. Thanks again, Y/N.”

“Of course. Let me know if you need anything else, K? I’m always here for you, kiddo.”

She gives you a weak smile before heading off down the street to Tommy and Maria’s home.

You put your hands on your hips and let out a deep sigh.

What the hell _is_ going on?

You spend the rest of that late afternoon on your porch just thinking even harder than you were before.

You came up with several different theories but none of them made complete sense. You decided once it started to get a bit dark to take a break from all these conspiracies and make yourself busy. You picked up your ukulele and started to pick at it again, coming back to the same song.

_But when I sleep all I can dream is white bicycles under a tree_

_When I wake all that I know is I don’t want to let you go_

_Cause when I hold your hand in mine I know that things for now are fine_

_But when I close my eye I see the day you will be leaving me_

_Cause I don’t know which I’d rather have_

_I’d leave first but I’d leave you sad_

_I’m no good at mourning dear_

_I’m no good with sorrow when you aren’t here_

“You sure do like those white bicycles, huh?”

Joel once again interrupting your song. If it was going to get him to come here, maybe you should’ve played it sooner.

“Not exactly. Don’t you remember seein’ white bikes on the side of the road in Austin?”

Joel makes his way across your porch, his eyebrows raised as he recollects.

“Ah yeah, I remember. Those memorials for people who died in bike accidents.”

“Nice to know you haven’t totally lost all your memories yet.”

“Hey, I’m not that old.”

“If that’s what you wanna keep tellin’ yourself.”

Joel lets out a gentle laugh.

“Think we can talk inside?”

He suggests. You nod before putting away your ukulele to take inside and getting up from your seat.

“Lead the way.”


	9. Chapter 9

“So you wanna tell me what’s goin’ on with you?”

You and Joel were situated in the snug in a very distant way. You’re sitting at the far end of one couches and Joel is sitting at the far end of the other. But at least you’re facing him. Joel is just sat facing forward, his elbows resting on his knees.

“Not sure what you mean, darlin’.”

You shift in your seat and let out a quiet noise of frustration.

“Don’t bullshit me, Joel.”

You say as your irritation with his behavior is now starting to set in.

Joel clenches his jaw and his gaze moves from your faded wallpaper to the flowers on your rug.

“Joel, _talk_ to me. Was it-“

You scoot closer to him but still remain on separate couches.

“Was it something I said?”

Joel finally turns to look at you with worry in his eyes.

“No, it’s not you- I just-“

He rubs the back of his neck as he pauses, really thinking over what he’s trying to say.

“Is there something going on between you and Tommy?”

He says outrightly. You are truly taken aback by his assumption and it showed all over your being.

“ _Excuse me_? Absolutely not, what in the world makes you think that?”

Joel gets up and starts to pace in a similar way to how Ellie had done when she was over earlier. Like father, like daughter, you guess.

“I don’t know, Y/N. You just seemed pretty friendly to me up on the hill the other day and he told me about how he got that coffee for you so I just need to know-“

Even though you wish you hadn’t, you bust out a spiteful laugh.

“Oh my god.”

He stops his pacing so you take the opportunity to stand right in front of him, wanting to tackle this problem face-to-face.

“You’re _jealous_.”

Joel puts his hands on his hips and his expression sours.

“I am _not_.”

Normally a dark tone like that would scare you a little, but you knew Joel. This wasn’t him, this was his insecurities.

“Joel, you realize I asked around for that coffee so I could get it for _you_ , right?”

His face softens a bit and the pieces start to come together.

“So what are you trying to say?”

The pieces started to come together for you too. Joel didn’t need to say it but you knew he was feeling what you were feeling. That he knew there was something happening between the two of you too.

So it’s now or never, you guess.

“ _That I like you, Joel!_ ”

You still stood about an arms length apart and you didn’t dare move a muscle as you waited for Joel’s response.

But it just wasn’t coming.

“Joel, please say something.”

Your demeanor starts to shrink with every passing moment. You could’ve cried when Joel literally turned around and you were faced with his back. He couldn’t even look at you. Never in your entire life had you made more of an ass out of yourself.

How could have read this situation so wrong?

 _If everything wasn’t all ruined before, it sure as hell is ruined_ _now_ you thought.

“I- uh-“

Joel finally started to speak up but he didn’t turn around.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to see each other anymore-“

Joel stomps his way to your front door but you’re stuck in your spot in pure shock.

“-hope you understand.”

He says as he steps out onto your porch and basically slams the door shut.

“ _What the fuck just happened?_ ”

You say aloud as the tears start to flow.

You took the next couple of days off doing some serious processing and shaking off your horribly embarrassing night with Joel. You came to the conclusion that you really were just reading far too deep into the situation. Joel very possibly could’ve been feeling something for you but he just isn’t ready for something like that.

You weren’t sure if he ever would be ready, with you or otherwise.

So once you finished your pity party, you stopped taking it so personally. You can’t force anyone to want to be with you and you can’t help if someone is just not interested.

It hurts.

You wish it were different.

But it’s not.

So you do what you can to just move on.

You spend the next couple of weeks like normal. Or at least as normal as you can make it.

You saw Joel around town, how could you not? Jackson isn’t very big so you knew it was inevitable. But you gave him the space he was wanting. Not in a spiteful way but truly in a respectful way.

It would’ve hurt too much to speak to him anyhow.

You just held onto that hope that one day maybe you could at least be friends again.

But for now, it was better for you to remain apart.

But of course, this was easier said than done.


	10. Chapter 10

“Uh- Hi, Joel.”

“Hey.”

He says without picking his head up to look at you.

You glance over at Tommy and Maria and they both feign innocent looks.

“Tommy, why don’t you help me get these carrots into the kitchen.”

“Really? I mean why-“

Maria elbows him in the side and gestures with her eyes towards the kitchen, signaling to do as you asked.

“I mean, sure. Of course.”

Tommy takes the warm pan from your hands and you follow him into the kitchen of the home him and Maria shared.

Tommy had come by a few nights ago with an offer to come over for dinner. This wouldn’t be the first time you had dined with them so you figured nothing would be out of the ordinary.

“Any particular reason as to why you neglected to tell me your brother was going to be here tonight?”

You ask him, whisper yelling in a harsh tone. Tommy sets down the baked carrots you had brought onto the counter before holding his hands up as if you were some bucking bronco he was trying to calm.

“Take it easy, okay? It’s about time the two of you got over your little spat you had over a month ago.

You shook your head and let out a sigh.

“Tommy-“

“No, no, don’t ‘Tommy’ me- You’re good for each other and it’s time you both realized it.”

“Tommy, please- this isn’t a good idea, I’m telling you to please- Joel.”

You spotted Joel just behind Tommy, wondering how much of the conversation he had heard.

He stands there awkwardly, his eyes jumping from thing to thing as he’s not sure where to focus on.

“We were just-“

You quickly glance over at Tommy and hoping to god that this isn’t triggering those same insecure feelings of Joel’s that got you in this mess in the first place.

“It’s fine, Y/N. Maria just wanted us to bring the food into the dining room.”

Joel picks up a dish with cooked collard greens and walks away from the kitchen.

You let out a deep sigh before picking up another dish of food with Tommy following suit.

“Hey, Y/N! Come sit by me!”

You’d been so focused on Joel that you hardly even noticed that Ellie was here too.

You, Tommy, and Joel set your plates down before heading over to your seats.

“Anything for my favorite cosmonaut.”

“Now what the hell's a cosmonaut?”

Tommy asked as you all started to sit down.

“Little miss sunshine here has decided that becoming a cosmonaut is a better career move for the common space traveler.”

“Still didn’t answer my question.”

Maria stands to begin taking everyone’s empty plates one at a time to serve each of you.

“A cosmonaut is a Russian astronaut.”

Ellie says proudly, impressed with her own knowledge.

“But we made it on the moon first!”

Tommy offered as a rebuttal.

“Yeah, but Russia made it to space in general first. Plus there’s a lot less restrictions there.”

“And you know this how?”

Joel asks.

Ellie shrugs her shoulders and then thanks Maria as she places her now full plate back in front of her.

“Be honest, Ellie- you just want to be a cosmonaut because the name sounds cooler.”

You tease. Ellie steals a chunk of potato off of your plate and shoves it in her mouth before you could even protest.

“Nyet.”

She says with a full mouth.

“Quit talkin’ with your mouth full.”

Joel scolds. Ellie rolls her eyes.

“That’s another thing- you don’t even speak Russian.”

You claimed. Ellie swallows her bite before speaking again.

“Yeah but I could learn!”

You give her a loving pat on top of her head.

“I’m sure the Russians would love to have you.”

Maria finishes loading up the last plate before sitting back down in her seat and taking Tommy’s hand.

“Let’s say grace.”

Ellie grabs your hand but you debate whether or not you should take Joel’s. But to your surprise, he holds it out for you to take. You carefully slip your free hand into his and try not to think too hard about how good it feels to touch him again.

You all bow your heads, even Ellie, and Tommy says a quick thankful prayer.

Even though you were a little mad at Tommy and Maria’s deception, you were thankful for tonight. Holding Joel’s hand and sitting next to him at dinner could lead to nothing but for right now, it felt like a step in the right direction.

The dinner went off without a hitch, more crazy exciting stories were heard and many laughs were shared. You and Joel even had a few moment of banter again, just like you used to.

But great nights like these unfortunately couldn’t last.

You give farewell hugs to Tommy and Maria, thanking them profusely for such a lovely meal and for being wonderful hosts as usual.

Then you, Joel and Ellie make your way out the door, moments away from being separated once again.

“Hey wait, Ellie! I forgot there’s somethin’ I’ve gotta show you!”

Tommy pokes his head out onto the porch just as you all were about to step off of it. You give him a suspicious look as if to say _“what are you up to now?”._

He flashes you a sly smile before leading Ellie back inside.

Now it was just you and Joel.

“Well good night, Joel.”

“Good night.”

You start to walk away slowly, hoping he’d stop you. And sure enough.

“I didn’t know you were coming, you know.”

You turn around, not really sure as to what he was getting at.

“If I would’ve known I would’ve-“

“Hey, I didn’t know you were invited either, pal.”

You say a little annoyed.

“No, I just mean-“

“It’s fine. I get what you mean, Joel. I’ll do better about staying out of your hair if I bug you that much.”

Now you’re really annoyed. You start to stomp away again but Joel catches your arm.

“Stop! For Christ sake’s- Y/N, I’m happy you were here.”

Your annoyance fades but only slightly, but now it’s twisted into a kind of resentment. If he was so happy to see you then why had he been avoiding you?

You turn your body so you can look at him again. He still hasn’t let go of your arm.

“It was nice to see you. I- I’ve been missin’ you.”

You both pause for a moment before you grab his hand that was on your arm, watching it as you hold it for just a moment.

“Yeah. Me too.”

You flash him a sad smile as you reach your other hand around a give his hand a pat. Then you drop it and finally walk away.

You don’t know if he called out to you again but he didn’t grab you to stop you this time.

This felt less like a coming back together but more like a final goodbye.

You cried the whole way home.


	11. Chapter 11

Some time went by. Could’ve been a couple days. Could’ve been a week.

You couldn’t really tell and you certainly didn’t care enough to keep track.

You saw “clients” as usual, putting every last drop of energy that you had into your work.

You were meant to help Maria plan a barn dance for the community but you unfortunately had to tell her that you just couldn’t.

She managed to pry the real reason out of you.

She told you: “Don’t fret, Y/N. Those Miller boys may act stupid for a while but they always come around.”

You weren’t sure how much truth there was to that seeing as how different Tommy and Joel were.

But with that tiny sliver of hope that Maria had given you, you held on. Hoping and praying to anyone that would listen that Joel would actually come around.

It’s not like you had given up on Joel, it was more like you were so wrapped up in your own embarrassment that it was hard act with any sort of confidence.

But at this point, you would do just about anything to fix this.

Even if it meant only being friends.

Even though you couldn’t help out with the barn dance, you did decide to attend to support Maria and those who stepped up to help her in your place.

As soon as you walked into the main hall, It took all of about 3 seconds for your eyes to lock onto Joel’s.

You stared at each other for a minute, just kind of awkwardly gawking instead of making any attempt to speak to each other.

You were the one to break the gaze by shaking your head and walking further into the building to look for someone, anyone other than Joel, to dance with.

It wasn’t a hard task, a lot of the older folks absolutely lived for the monthly barn dances that Maria would throw. So they were always willing to dance with just about anyone who would ask.

Over the next hour or so, there were definitely a few close calls with Joel. But you managed to avoid him the best you could, filling your evening with dance after dance.

But the dancing around each other obviously had to come to an end at some point.

The band took a quick break so you made your way over to the bar to grab a drink. You quickly downed it and left the empty glass on the bar’s countertop before finding somewhere to take a breather for yourself. Most of the times you had taken pause, you would make sure to have someone to talk to- never giving Joel a chance to approach you. But this time, you realized it had been a while since you had seen him. You also realized how absolutely ridiculous you had been acting.

Earlier in the night you were prepared to talk to him, ready to beg on your knees for him to come back into your life but now your avoiding him like the plague for really no apparent reason.

You look around the room in an attempt to find him again, desperately hoping he hadn’t gone home.

You step just outside the barn and are met with a cool breeze but no sign of Joel.

You walk over to the railing of the porch and lean against it with your arms crossed on top of the railing and your forehead resting on your forearms- the true stature of defeat.

“You doin’ alright?”

Joel asks from behind you, his hand grazing your lower back.

You pop up to face him, making yourself a little dizzy with how quickly you acted.

Or maybe the bourbon had something to do with it.

“Joel-“

Joel cups your face with one of his hands. He looks at you with an expression that’s almost sad.

“Where’ve you been, babygirl?”

Joel drops his hand onto the railing. He’s standing awfully close to you. You look down and can’t keep yourself from smiling.

“Babygirl. That’s a new one.”

Joel also looks down and quietly laughs.

The music inside the barn starts back up again. The band is playing a song that’s still upbeat but a bit slower than the one’s they had been playing earlier in the evening.

“Would you dance with me?”

Joel asks. You look back up at him with so much surprise on your face, you almost look shocked.

“Joel Miller dancing? I never thought I’d live to see the day!”

Joel shakes his head and steps away from you but turns back to hold out his hand to you.

“Yeah, yeah, well I’m only gonna ask once, darlin’.”

You laugh but take his hand and step closer to him, taking the position to slow dance.

Joel holds you as close as he possibly could. You start to sway and you tuck your head right in front of his shoulder, the side of your forehead touching his chin.

“I’ve missed you.”

Joel says quietly, directly into your ear.

“I’ve missed you. So much.”

You voice gets a little tense and Joel somehow manages to hold you even tighter as his stature stiffens.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. For how I acted-“

Joel starts to rub up and down your back, you close your eyes and revel in the sensation. He’s never touched you so much or so tenderly before. You honestly couldn’t move if you wanted to. Everything about this moment felt so unreal that you were sure you were dreaming.

“I thought pushing you away was the right thing to do. I’m just so afraid of lettin’ you down or hurtin’ you- Y/N it kills me to think of how much pain I caused you-

Joel laughs a little at himself, his warm breath blowing down into your shirt, giving you the chills.

“-takes a real idiot to hurt you like that thinkin’ it was the best way to _not_ hurt you. The truth is, Y/N-“

You stop swaying and Joel moves slightly back from you but only so he can gently guide your head with his hand so you could look at him. He leaves it gripped on the side of your neck. You looked intently back at him, showing that you were patiently waiting for him to finish what he wanted to say.

“I really like you, too. Sounds kinda silly wordin’ it like that but, I do. I like you a great deal, Y/N. And if you’ll let me, I’d like the chance to do right by you- please say you’ll have me. Have me in whatever way you can, Y/N.”

You smile until Joel leans his head slightly closer, then you mouth dropped slightly open and your eyelids started to droop.

“Say you’ll have me.”

Joel whispered, he was so close you could feel his breath fanning across your face.

“Okay.”

Was the only word you could muster. Your eyes were planted on his lips.

“Okay?”

Joel asked sincerely.

You curtly nodded.

And that’s all it took.

There were no interruptions this time around.

Joel slowly pulled your face closer until there was nowhere else for you to go.

He pressed his mouth on top of yours, just savoring the way your lips felt on his.

You pulled him impossibly closer.

Joel sighed though his nose before moving slightly, his tongue barely dipping between your lips into your mouth. Even though the action was subtle, it still caused you to let out a quiet moan.

Joel laughed a little before shifting again, massaging your lower lip between his own lips. The prickle of his beard poked and tickled your sensitive skin but you didn’t mind.

You didn’t mind one bit.

He gives you a few more lengthy pecks before kissing his way across your cheek and pulling you into a tight hug.

“Took you long enough.”

Tommy said from behind the two of you.

“Oh fuck off, Tommy.”

Joel sneered, still holding you tight in his embrace.

And there was no way that he was ever letting you go.


	12. Chapter 12

Joel walked you home from the dance after that. You didn’t talk, just held hands and occasionally looked over at one another before quickly looking away and giggling like children. 

You did that the entire way home, all the way up until you reached the steps of your porch. You walked up the first two steps, letting holding go Joel’s hand and turning around to wrap your arms around his neck. 

Joel moves his hands to grip at your hips as you looked at each other for a moment, your eyes darting back and forth towards each other’s lips. You waited just a moment longer before finally leaning the rest of the way in. 

Since you were standing up on the steps, you used this to your advantage to further press your lips hard into Joel’s, kissing him deeply. 

He grunts quietly as your lips move together, his tongue finding it’s way much deeper into your mouth than it had before. 

He wraps his arms around you, lifting you up and quickly walking up the few steps onto your porch and sets you down to sit on the railing. 

You were impressed with his strength, especially for someone his age. 

You continued to kiss, the intensity growing every second before you really just could not take it anymore. 

You pulled away and rested your forehead on his. Both you and Joel kept your eyes closed, your chests heaving in synchronicity. 

“Do you want to come in?” 

Joel gives you a lengthy peck before taking a step away from you and helping you back down off the railing.   
He looks down at you and smiles, bringing his hand up to cup your cheek and grazing over your skin with his thumb. 

“Not tonight, darlin’.” 

He tips your head down slightly and kisses your forehead before pulling you in for another tight hug. 

Hugs from Joel Miller should be considered a cure-all for any ailment. 

You break away but you take his hand, not letting it go until he’s walked too far away for you to reach. 

You watch as he heads down the steps of your porch but turns around to look at you one more time before he gets too far away. 

“G’night, darlin’.”

“Good night, Joel.”

He smiles at you before turning and walking away again. 

“You sure you don’t want to come in?”

You call out to him, hoping you’re not being too loud for your neighbors to hear. 

He laughs and shakes his head but continues still away from you. 

It took you a while to fall asleep that night. You kept tossing and turning as you thought about what your future could now look like. 

Nowadays, you can’t really look too far ahead. Everyone’s future is uncertain, even more so now with the outbreak. 

But the thought of tomorrow was enough to have you excited. 

You fell asleep and slept soundly, finding comfort in the idea that you finally have someone. 

And not just any someone. 

But Joel Miller. 

The man you had heard horror stories about his time as a hunter and a smuggler. The man who believed that he wasn’t worthy of love or happiness. The man who found his way onto your front porch, ready to pour out his heart to a practical stranger in the desperate hope of becoming a better man.   
The man who has deeply impacted every person who has the privilege of becoming close to him simply in the way that he loves them. 

You know it was you who said you thought Joel was seriously lucky, but you don’t think has ever been more in your favor. 

You woke up the next morning with a little bit of a headache from probably not getting enough sleep but you were ready to start the day. 

It didn’t take long for Joel to end up on your porch again. 

“Howdy, stranger.”

You said as you leaned against the doorframe. 

Joel shook his head and laughed before giving you a quick peck and stepping past you into your home. Despite it being just a short kiss as a greeting, it still had you gleaming for just a moment before you closed your door and followed suit behind him. 

“To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Joel stopped in his tracks and turned to you before he responded. 

“Here for one of our chats as usual, darlin’.” 

Your face showed a bit of your disappointment but if he wanted to have a talk with you it wasn’t like you were going to tell him no. 

“Oh, okay. Well let’s head to the snug then, shall we?”

Joel gives you a nod, reaching out to take your hand as he leads you through your own house. 

He takes a seat on his usual couch and you sit down on the couch next to him. 

“Why you sittin’ so far away?” 

You laugh a little before getting up to move onto the couch he was sitting on but still sticking to the opposite end. 

“Sweetheart, I promise I don’t bite.” 

You smile, starting to catch on to what Joel is trying to do and scoot closer to him until your hips are touching. Joel leans forward and lifts up your legs so that they’re positioned over his lap. You let out a quick breath of air as one of his hands grips the outside of your thigh. 

“This close enough for you?”

You ask him quietly. 

Joel hums a yes as he slowly nods. 

“So what is it that you wanted to talk about today?”

“I uh-“

Joel leans his face a bit closer to yours.

“I honestly can’t remember for the life of me.” 

You bring your arms up to rest on either one of his shoulders, his torso shifting to turn and face you more. 

“That’s a shame.”

Joel swallows hard.

“Guess we’ll just have to-“

You cut him off slightly by kissing him slowly and softly on his cheek just above where his beard stops. 

“-find some other way to pass the time.”

You move your head to kiss his other cheek, noticing that his eyes were now closed and that he was breathing a little faster through his nose. The state you had him boiled down to from just a few kisses to his cheek made you grin like a Cheshire cat. 

After kissing his other cheek you pull away to get the full view of his expression. 

“I could think of a few ideas.” 

Joel opens his eyes slightly, his lips upturned in a small smirk. 

“I think we may be thinkin’ the same ideas, darlin’.”


	13. Chapter 13

Joel reaches his hand up to wrap around the base of your head and propels your face forward, kissing you hard.

Without breaking the kiss, you shift over so that you’re now seated on his lap, your thighs straddling around his middle.

The kiss finally breaks as Joel snakes his arms around your legs in order to lift you up, your lips moving to his forehead as he carries you towards the kitchen. He pauses however once he makes it to your front room, unsure of whether to head up the stairs or down the hallway. He gives you a peck on the lips before dropping you back onto your feet.

“Sorry, darlin’, m’ not as limber as I used to be. And also I have no idea where to take you from here.”

You both laugh before kissing each other once more. You break away and take his hand to guide him up the stairs towards your bedroom.

Once you make it there though, everything starts to slow down.

Joel takes his time, passing his hands over almost every inch of your body.

You haven’t even taken off any of your clothes yet but he’s already got you a second away from melting into a puddle.

“Joel-“

You sigh out. He smiles into the kisses he had started leaving all over your neck, his hands still making their way all over your body.

You grip at his forearms before dragging your hands up his chest and under his outer shirt, encouraging him to start removing some articles of clothing.

He stops kissing your neck and starts back at your lips again. He take your hint and slips off his flannel before undoing his belt. You both kick off your shoes and make your way over to your bed, assuming a similar position from when you were still in the snug- Joel sitting down on the edge of your bed and you straddled on his lap.

You lean in to kiss him again but he grips your shoulders to stop you.

“Now, are you sure you want to do this? We can stop whenever you like-”

You put a finger against his lips to get him to stop.

“I want this, Joel. I want you. I’ve _been_ wanting you.”

You both lean towards each other until your foreheads are touching, your eyes closing as you breathe each other in.

“Okay. I just wanted to make sure because once I start-“

Joel pulls your head back by gripping the base of your skull again and presses a long kiss to your neck.

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop.”

He kisses a different spot on your neck and his hands make their way under your shirt and up your sides, prompting you to take it off.

You lift up your arms in compliance, Joel grips the bottom of the shirt in order to pull it the rest of the way off of you. He plants a kiss right onto your sternum as he reaches around to attempt to undo the clasp of your bra.

“ _God_ , you’re so beautiful.”

He mumbles into the skin of your chest. You reach up to his neck and scratch at the hair at the base of his head. Joel finally manages to undo your bra and as you pull it the rest of the way off, you wrap your arms around your breasts to cover them.

“Your turn.”

Joel looks up at you and pauses for a second, his expression falling a little.

“Y/N, just so you know- I’ve got lots of scars. It’s not so pretty to look at, I just want to warn you.”

You move your hands to cup his face, his gaze never wandering away from yours.

“I’ve got my own fair share of scars. Let me see you, Joel.”

You whisper before giving him another short kiss.

He swallows and then nods before reaching to grab the back of the collar of his shirt to pull it off over his head.

He wasn’t lying, basically every inch of him was covered in scars of every size. It almost made you cry, thinking of all the years of not only emotional pain but physical pain he’s had to endure.

You kissed one of the deeper scars that went over one of his clavicles and then another smaller one right on top of his shoulder.

“I still think you’re mighty pretty, Joel Miller.”

He laughs before cupping your face, his thumb dragging over your cheek.

“Now, how’d I get so lucky?”

“Thought you didn’t believe in luck?”

“With you around, I’m startin’ to believe maybe there is such a thing.”

“Oh, you ol’ sap.”

You both laugh for a moment before you start to stand back up in front of Joel, taking a few steps in front of him so that he can watch you as you slowly start to take your bottoms off.

You now stand completely bare in front of him.

He leans back on his hands and looks you up and down as he drinks you in.

You start to shrink under his intense gaze, getting shy as he stares at you.

He moves forward and grabs your hands, slowly standing up until he’s a mere few inches from you.

“You don’t ever have to hide from me. _Ever_.”

You look down over the plains of Joel’s chest and trail your eyes down towards his navel.

Though his body isn’t sculpted, the many years of survival has kept him incredibly fit- his body toned and underneath that soft layer, you know hides the strength he’s built up. He’s got a patch of chest hair with streaks of white among the dark strands. You’re now able to see the full extent of his scars and you pass your fingers over a couple.

“You don’t ever have to hide from me, either.”

Joel leans his head down to kiss you softly but with an air of urgency. As if he is desperate to have all of you, as soon as possible but realizes how much of you there is to be had.

You reach down between you, undoing the button and zipper of Joel’s jeans. You continue to kiss as you pull his jeans and his underwear down over his ass before letting him take over to pushing them the rest of the way down. You break away from the kiss in order to take a breath and so you could assume the position you had been in earlier, except with Joel now leaning against your bed frame and your legs straddling over his hips and your cunt hovering over his cock.

“Are you okay?”

Joel asks you sincerely.

You nod.

“Yes. I’m okay.”

“Okay. I’m going to touch you now.”

You smile at him and close your eyes as his fingers make their way down from your neck all the way down to your folds.

He passes his fingers over your lips, just barely grazing them with his fingertips. You lean your forehead to rest on his and grip the sides of his neck and he continues to explore.

He parts your folds by brushing from side to side with two of his fingers before picking up the pattern of rubbing up and down from your clit and over your entrance, waiting until he was satisfied with the amount of lubricant he was picking up with each pass.

“ _God, Joel, please_ -“

You pull him closer to you, now holding his head in somewhat of a hug with your cheek resting on his ear. He laughs quietly at your desperation and you have no idea how he is keeping his cool.

You reach down in between you and find your way to his cock, wrapping your fingers around his hard length and wonder even further as to how he is keeping his cool when he is _this_ hard. Joel grunts into your ear as you carefully pump his cock in your hand.

“Easy-”

Joel hisses as you start using his precum to pick up the pace and the pressure of your stroking but only around his tip.

“And what are you gonna do about it?”

You whisper, your lips touching his ear.

Joel finally presses a finger inside of you, circling it around until you’re stretched enough for him to press in another. He starts pumping his fingers in and out of you, dragging his fingers up each time he pulls out. You moan each time he passes over your g-spot and soon you’re unable to sync up with his stroking any longer.

“Joel, I need you inside of me- please-“

You beg into his ear. Joel wraps his arms around your middle and flips you over abruptly so that he’s perched on top of you.

“I gotcha.”

Before you could even catch your breath, he’s kissing you hard once again, his tongue taking full liberty to explore inside of your mouth. Not that you were complaining, because yours was taking it’s turn to also do the same to him.

“ _Fuck_ \- I want you.”

Joel says against your mouth.

“You have me, Joel.”

Joel lines up his hips with yours and takes himself into his hand, using his other hand to rub across your cunt a few times over, making sure that you’re ready for him.

He starts to press himself into you very slowly, making sure to pause every few seconds so that you’re able to adjust. By the time he his fully seated, you’re both panting and shaking.

“Joel, move.”

He nods.

“Yes ma’am.”

You both laugh a little for a moment before he starts to move his hips back, the feeling of his cock dragging out of you has your eyes squinting shut and your mouth falling open. Joel presses himself back in slowly again, and pulls out at a similar pace before picking up his speed.

It wasn’t long before his pace became almost relentless. He couldn’t hold that speed for very long but the offset of pounding to dragging all while his mouth was caressing any part of your skin it could reach has you positively reeling.

It’s so much different being with someone who actually wants to be with you too. 

You start to get very close to finishing so you wrap your legs around his hips and grip your hands across the muscles on his back, thrusting in tandem with him as your forehead rests on his.

“I’m close-“

Joel grunts out. You whine as you pull yourself impossibly closer.

“Me too-“

“ _Look at me_.”

You open your eyes again and meet Joel’s gaze.

“I want to watch you. And I want you to see what you do to me.”

Joel’s pace picked up once again and he held it longer than he had done so before.

Since you were latched onto him, his pubic bone was dragging across your clit with each thrust. This sensation was enough to push you over the edge with a cry. You forced yourself to keep your eyes open to watch as Joel followed right after you with a cry of his own. He managed to pull out just in time and you felt him spill out onto your stomach. Joel dropped his head down onto your shoulder and you let yourself close your eyes again. Joel uses his fingers to continue to pump into you as you rode out the last of your orgasm.

He eventually stopped his motions and paused for a moment before slowly pulling his fingers out of you and flopping over onto the bed beside you. Both of your chests heaved as you waited to catch your breath. Once you could breathe normally again, you sat up in order to get out of the bed. Joel reached over to grab your arm before you could go.

“Where are you going?”

You turn over to look at him, bringing a hand up to cup his face.

“I’m just going to get something for up to clean up with. I’ll be right back.”

Joel lets go of your arm.

“Alright. Well don’t be too long.”

You give his face a gentle pat. You reach over and grab an old towel that had already been tossed on your floor to clean yourself up enough to head into your bathroom. Once you stand all the way up, you’re a bit wobbly and the first few steps you take are a little wonky, causing Joel to laugh. You point at him as a form of a warning before reaching down to grab his flannel to cover up with.

It was still only the afternoon and you didn’t want any of the neighbors to accidently get a peek into your home with you being stark naked.

You come back into the room a few minutes later with a wet washcloth for Joel as you had already cleaned up in the bathroom.

You sit down on the edge of the bed and hand him the washcloth. He sits up and cleans himself up, leaning over to grab his boxers that we still tucked into his jeans that lied on the floor.

“What should I do with this?”

He holds up the wet washcloth.

“Just toss it on the ground somewhere, I’ll take care of it later.”

Joel does as you say before standing up for a moment to put his boxers on and them plopping back down onto the bed, lying down his back. He closes his eyes and pats on his chest before extending out his arm.

“Come ‘ere.”

You happily oblige, laying your head down on his shoulder and cuddling up to him. You tuck one arm up against him and rest the other against his chest, your fingers tracing over his multitude of scars and messing around with his chest hair.

One of Joel’s hands rested on his stomach and the other was tucked underneath your neck but was bent over in a way so that he could brush his fingers through your hair.

He presses a long kiss to the side of your head.

You sit in silence for a little while, just enjoying each other’s presence.

“I love you, Y/N.”

You push yourself up so you can look down at him.

“You _what_?”

You heard what he said, you just wanted to hear him say it again. He laughs a little at your reaction.

“I said that _I love you_. I know I said that I just really liked you the other night but I just wasn’t so sure then-“

He tucks a strand of hair behind your ear and you reach your hand up to hold it against your cheek.

“-but I’m sure now. I love you, Y/N.”

“ _I love you, too_.”

You whisper before bringing his hand to your mouth to kiss his palm.

You assume the position you were in before, but this time you lean your head up so you can kiss him. When you pull away, you’re both smiling.

“Who knew a good lay was the way to get you to realize you love someone.”

“Y/N, I swear to god-“

You squeal as he flips you over and pinches all over your sides.

“Oh shit.”

Joel stops in his tracks and he looks almost scared.

“ _What?_ What is it?”

Joel let’s out a deep sigh.

“We have to tell Ellie.”


	14. Chapter 14

You sent Joel home after a few hours of resting in each other’s arms and just talking about whatever was on your minds. You told him to tell Ellie that you wanted her to come over the next day to paint with you. 

You and Joel created a whole plan: 

1\. Ellie comes over.  
2\. You butter her up, remind her how much she likes you.  
3\. Joel shows up “unexpectedly”.  
4\. You sit her down and calmly tell her that the two of you are together. 

Joel did as you asked and sure enough, the next day, Ellie showed up at your front door- excited to spend some time painting with you. 

You had all of your supplies meticulously laid out, as if you were preparing for a class. You needed something to keep busy while you were waiting for her to come and you wanted everything to go as smoothly as possible. So setting everything out just seemed like the right thing to do in the moment. But really it was just strike one for suspicion on Ellie’s part. 

“Wow, you really went all out for this, huh?”

You looked around your dining room table and the way everything was displayed and realized how strange it really was. But you didn’t lose hope.

“Just got excited to see you, is all.” 

You rubbed your knuckles on the top of her head, roughing up her hair. She laughed and playfully pushed you away. It felt like the tension was melting away. 

That is until about 10 minutes later when Joel waltzed into your home. He didn’t even knock, he just walked in. 

“Uh hey, Joel.” 

“Hey kiddo, didn’t know you’d be here!”

Joel said a little too excitedly. You visibly cringed but luckily Ellie had her confused gaze locked on Joel. 

“Well I did tell you I was going to Y/N’s to paint like half an hour ago as I was leaving so- “

She pauses and as Ellie looked back over to you, you corrected your expression to giving her a warm smile. She looks back and forth between you and Joel a few times before continuing. 

“Is there something going on?”

“What? No- “

You and Joel say at the same time. 

“There’s nothing going on.”

“Nothing at all, what makes you think that?”

Ellie freezes as you both start to stumble over your words. 

“Okaaay. Well you’re both acting super weird.”

“It’s nothing, I- uh- “

Joel clears his throat as he takes a seat to join you both at the table. 

“I just forgot- forgot to give you this, so you could give it to Y/N.”

Joel takes a small can of peaches out of his oversized jacket pocket and sets it on the table.

“A can- of peaches.”

Ellie states with a hint of skepticism. 

You start to get more and more nervous and your body starts tensing up. You and Joel stare at each other for a moment, as if you were trying to telepathically come up with a new plan on the spot. 

“Yeah she uh- she’d been askin’ around for some.” 

“For peaches.” 

“Right.”

“Like the canned peaches you can easily get at the shop in town.” 

Ellie looks back over at you and you try to feign the same warm smile, but it doesn’t translate as well the second time around.   
It probably didn’t translate well the first time either, if you’re being honest. 

“And you couldn’t get them yourself because?”

“She’s sick!”

Joel answers for you. 

“Sick? Too sick to go into town. Well then why’d you invite me over then? You trying to get me sick too?”

“No she’s uh- I don’t mean sick, I mean like- “

You don’t think you’d ever heard Joel stammer before, but it was pretty hilarious to see. 

“Just tell me what’s going on.” 

You and Joel look at each other again, wondering who it’s going to be to break the news.

You take in a deep breath and let out a big sigh before turning your body over to face Ellie.

“Well Joel and I- we’re sort of- we wanted to tell you that we- “ 

“That you’re what?”

The pieces slowly start to come together for her, but she needs to hear you say it for her to fully believe it. 

“Together. Me and Y/N are together.”

Ellie’s demeanor looks a bit panicked and even a little angry. 

“What do you mean like boyfriend and girlfriend?”

“Well no! I mean we’re in a relationship, but those words just seem so- “

Ellie abruptly stands up from her chair. 

“So what are you guys married? What the fuck, Y/N are you my stepmom now?” 

Joel also stands up to try and calm her down.

“Now, Ellie-”

Ellie’s expression completely does a 180 and she starts busting out laughing, hunching over and slapping her knee as if she just pulled the greatest prank of all time. 

“I’m just fucking with you. That’s great but I don’t really care. If you’re happy, you’re happy- it’s whatever to me.”

Ellie sits back down and picks up a paintbrush before dipping it into some water. 

“Now, can we please start painting now?”


	15. Chapter 15

The following weeks felt almost unreal. 

Though you both had your own lives and responsibilities, you spent as much time together as you were able. And every moment spent was even better than the last. The evening was now your favorite time of the day. You never usually had plans during this time, so you started spending it with each other. You usually met at your home as to not completely scar Ellie with anything she might potentially see or hear should she happen to also be home. 

But this evening had a much different vibe. A break in your idyllic dream. 

Though you never came together with any expectations for anything in particular, the odds of you having sex were pretty high. 

It always started out the same way- you’d be simply talking but then the small touches would start. He’d tuck a stand of hair behind your ear, you’d squeeze his thigh, he’d kiss the palm of your hand- it was always something like this that would get the ball rolling. 

And before you knew it, things would escalate. 

Joel had you pinned underneath him, his pace unrelenting as if he had been separated from you for ages when in reality it had only been about a day. 

You were at his mercy and his disposal, letting him use you in the way he wanted but you knew he would always take care of you. 

He takes your wrists in his hands and holds them above your head, pressing his mouth down upon yours and swallowing any moans that he was forcing from your mouth with each thrust. 

“Fuck, I love you so much.” 

He quickly sighed against your mouth. Joel wasn’t very fond of the word “fuck”. He only ever said it if truly felt like the situation warranted it. 

He had a tendency to say it a lot when he was in bed with you. 

He releases your wrists and you move them to hold onto the sides of his neck. He dips his forehead to rest upon yours and he groans as you start to pulsate around him. 

“Joel- I’m- “

Your eyes flutter shut, and you let out rhythmic gasps in tandem with the waves of your orgasm. 

Joel had been watching you the whole time and it was enough to also push him the rest of the way over the edge. 

That’s where things went wrong. 

“Shit. Shitshitshit.”

Joel abruptly pulls himself away from you, cleaning himself up and covering up with your bed sheets in one fell swoop. He sits on the edge of the bed and runs his fingers nervously through his hair. 

“Joel, what’s wrong?” 

You also clean yourself up quickly and reach over to grab Joel’s shirt from the floor to cover up. You scoot up behind him and press yourself against his back, wrapping your arms around his shoulders and resting your chin on the top of one. 

“I just- I mean what’s wrong with you, how are you not panickin’ right now?” 

Joel raises his voice a little at you and his body tenses up. 

“Settle down, honey.”

“I can’t! I just came inside you, what the hell are we going to do if you get pregnant?” 

You froze. 

This was a conversation you were dreading but now the topic has been plopped in your lap. 

You let go of Joel and move over to sit down next to him. You take a deep breath. 

“We don’t have to worry about that.”

Joel looks over at you in somewhat of disbelief. 

“What do you mean we don’t have to worry about that, did you not just hear me- “

“I’m sterile.”

You kept your expression blank and you looked down at the floor. 

Joel’s mouth snapped shut and he looked away from you, looking back and forth across the floor as his mind raced. You both sat in silence for a moment. 

“I found out when I was 15. I had cysts on my fallopian tubes and once they were removed, my tubes were in shambles. Almost like getting my tubes tied involuntary.” 

You lifted up your shirt and pointed at the small incision marks on your lower stomach. 

“Y/N, I- “

Joel turned his head back to look at you, but you continued to look down and covered yourself up again. 

“It’s okay, Joel. I’ve accepted it, it’s just not something I like to talk about with just anyone.”

Joel placed his hand on your back and rubbed in a circle a few times before guiding you to lean into him. He kisses the side of your head before just simply holding you against his chest. 

“I’m glad you told me.”

“You’re not disappointed?” 

Joel pulls you away and holds your face in his hands. 

“Why would you think that I would be disappointed?”

You couldn’t look him in the eye, but he still held your face just in front of his. 

“I don’t know- maybe down the line you will be when you want a family- “

“Y/N, I have a family. You are my family. You and Ellie. I don’t need or want anyone else. I just want you.”

Tears start to flow down Joel’s hands, but he still doesn’t let go of your face. 

“I love you, Y/N. You hear me?”

You finally looked him in the eye and gave him a sad smile before nodding your head.

“I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry these last 2 weren't the best and weren't very long, I'm a bit all over the place atm.


	16. Chapter 16

You spent the following week a bit at a distance from Joel. Not because you were avoiding each other for any reason, it was just that you fell out of that intense honeymoon phase into the equally wonderful comfort phase. It just wasn’t necessary for you to see each other all the time. There was a security in knowing that just because you weren’t together that there wasn’t some malicious underlying reason as to why. There was a trust that came so easily, one that you could lean on and know that while you were both starting to do life together, it didn’t mean that you couldn’t have your own life.

But it was getting a little bit hard to get through the days where you only saw each other for a moment. It became harder for the two of you to spend your evenings and nights together with early morning patrols for Joel and long days of appointments for you.

If you were being honest, you really started to miss him.

This early afternoon, he surprised you with a visit and he didn’t miss how tightly you had wrapped him up an abrupt hug.

“Hey- is everything alright?”

You pull back slightly, placing your hands on the sides of his face.

“Just missed you, is all. I’ve been- “

You brush at his beard with your thumb.

“-missing you a lot, lately.”

Joel gives your hips a squeeze and lets out a quiet sigh through his nose.

“I’m sorry, darlin’.

Your expression falls, it just sounded a bit like Joel was sympathizing but couldn’t relate.

Did he not miss you too?

Joel gives you a warm smile, still holding you in his embrace.

“I actually wanted to talk to you about somethin’ that could possibly fix that.”

“What? Are you gonna lock yourself in the snug with me forever?”

You chuckle a little, your spirits lifting.

“Move in with me.”

Joel says outrightly. It shocks you and it takes you a moment to really process what he was saying.

“You- what?”

Joel chuckles at your reaction.

“Move. In. With. Me.”

Joel kisses you in different places on your face in between each word and then moving down to focus on the skin of your neck, taking his time to place lengthy kisses there.

“Joel- “

Your eyes flutter shut as you try to stay focused.

“I can’t just move in with you, I- “

“And why not?”

Joel says against the skin just under your jaw before kissing there as well.

“I have clients, Joel and what about all my things? Do you even have the room? And what about the snug- I can’t just- “

Joel pulls away from your neck and plants a kiss on your lips to interrupt you.

“Come with me, I have to show you something.”

Joel takes your hand and leads you out of your house.

“Joel- wait, we need to talk about this- “

“And we will! But there’s just somethin’ you have to see first.”

You sigh but stop resisting and head down the street with him. 

It didn’t take long for you to realize you were headed to Joel’s home, you step up on his front porch, but he stops you.

“Close your eyes.”

“What, no, I- “

“Just do it.”

Joel say sternly but still with a grin on his face, excited to show you whatever it is he was about to show you.

You groan playfully before doing as he asked.

“Fine.”

You hear Joel open up the door before stepping behind you, gripping your shoulders to lead you through his home. You bump your hip on the table next to his front door as soon as you step inside.

“Ow, Joel!”

Joel laughs.

“Sorry, sorry, I’ll be more careful.”

He continues guiding you throughout the house, making your way down what you assumed was his downstairs hallway until you heard Joel open up another door. He let’s go of your shoulders and takes a few steps away from you.

“Okay, you can open ‘em now.”

You slowly open up one eye at a time, as if you were about to see something horrific in a way to tease him.

But as soon as you opened them up all the way, you were met with a room.

Joel’s very own snug.

The walls lined with multiple couches, a few chairs, and even a recliner- one that you recognized as being the one that used to be in his living room.

He liked to read in that chair, in that spot, but now he’s moved it into this room.

“Is this-?”

Joel hums a yes as he leans against the doorframe, smirking as he watches you take in the sight of his handywork.

“Do you like it?”

You quickly turn around and look at Joel in disbelief.

“Do I _like_ it? Joel, this is- “

You were on the verge of crying.

No one had ever done something so nice for you before.

“I know it’s not quite the same, but I knew it would be hard for you to part with the snug. I hope it’s a decent enough replacement. That is if you- “

You close up the space between the two of you and wrap your arms around Joel’s neck, pulling him in for a tight hug.

“Of course, I’ll move in with you. I can’t think of anything I’d want more.”

You realize now what your initial fear actually was.

It wasn’t abandoning your things, abandoning the snug.

It was the fear that you had fallen harder for Joel than he had for you.

That this was just destined to be another one of those things where you put all your eggs in one basket, thinking that the basket was secure but turns out it was full of holes.

You didn’t think you could feel safer with Joel, but this just showed how much you could really trust him.

How much you truly loved him.

And how much he truly loved you.


	17. Chapter 17

A soft orange hue starts to bleed into the room, and it raises you from your sleep. The weather is starting to get colder, so you’re tangled up in bed, the covers practically swallowing you up. You shift a little and let out a deep breath, but you keep your eyes closed. You feel a warm hand brush the hair away from your forehead.

“You keep your mouth covered when you sleep.”

It was a strange comfort of yours, pulling the blanket up under your nose. It was the position you were in now.

“And what about it?”

You ask, your speech muffled but obviously still clear enough to hear as Joel chuckles softly un response.

“Well how am I supposed to kiss you awake in the morning if your mouth is always covered?”

You smile into the covers but keep your eyes closed. You slowly lift your head away from the blanket and squint your eyes open.

You see Joel sitting on the side of the bed, fully dressed and ready for his early morning patrol with Tommy.

“Trust me, you don’t want to kiss me this early in the morning- I’ve got some hellish morning breath.”

Joel leans his face towards yours, a grin growing on his face as he inches closer to you.

“I don’t care.”

Your eyes flutter back closed and his do the same as he presses his lips softly onto yours. As he slightly deepens the kiss, his hand pushes some of your messy hair behind your ear before resting his hand on the side of your head.

He pulls away but still stays close, his thumb grazing over your cheek as he gazes at you.

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say it was hellish but- “

You muster up a bit of strength to smack him on his bicep. He laughs before giving you a lengthy kiss into your hair on top of your head.

“I’ve got to get goin’, darlin’.”

You look down and frown, gripping his hand and giving it a loving squeeze.

“Promise me you’ll be careful.”

Joel returns the gesture.

“I promised you yesterday and I’ll promise you again and again. I’ll be careful.”

Joel doesn’t let go of your hand until he’s stood up away from the bed and he’s just unable to reach you anymore.

“Have a good day, I’ll see you later, sweetheart.”

“See you.”

You told him as you snuggled back into bed to try and get a few more hours of sleep. You usually failed, however, no matter how tired you were. Once Joel left the house you now shared, you always worried about him. There hasn’t been more than a few infected seen on patrols in a few months but that doesn’t mean it’ll always be that way. Of course you know how capable Joel is at taking care of himself, but you feel that if you were to lose him now, that you would no doubt lose everything.

But the day would go on.

You’d see your clients in your brand-new snug.

You’d prep a little something for dinner.

Maybe Ellie would help you out in the kitchen or you’d spend some of your day together with her if she wasn’t busy.

Life couldn’t be more perfect.

Aside from the whole, post-apocalyptic situation.

Joel made his back a little later that night, long after dinner was over. You’d made him up a plate and kept in warm in the oven that was cooling down before starting up on the dishes. You had a record playing loud in the living room so you were able to hear and you had no idea where Ellie had run off too- but just like Joel, even though you worry, you know she’s capable of taking care of herself and smart enough to stay out of trouble.

Or at least stay out of serious trouble.

_It's been a long time_

_You're just as lovely_

_As you used to be_

_How's your new love_

_Are you happy?_

_Hope you're doin' fine_

You sang along quietly as you scrubbed away at the small number of dishes. You took your time, hoping to catch Joel before you started getting ready for bed.

And sure enough, as if he could hear you thinking about him, a pair of arms wrapped around your waist and a warm body was pressed against yours- you both starting to sway back and forth as he presses kisses to the sides of your neck.

“Never would’ve pegged you as a Conway Twitty fan.”

Your efforts to finish the dishes starts to stagger as the comfort of having Joel close again distracts you. All you want is to have him even closer.

“He was my dad’s favorite.”

You pull your hands out of the bucket of water you had in the sink and dry them off on the towel you’d set on the counter before turning around in Joel’s arms to face him.

He’s covered in dirt and his face is scratched up. You only just now realize how bad he smells, like he’s been running for dear life for hours. You bring your hands up to his face and try to dust the dirt from the scratches on his cheeks. A little bit of his blood stains your hands but it’s enough to make you start to panic.

“What happened? Are you hurt? Are you okay, is Tommy-?”

Joel runs his hands up and down your forearms and shushes you softly.

“Everything is fine. I’m fine. Just ran into a few clickers, is all. Me and Tommy took care of it and we’re both okay. Just minor stuff.”

You shake your head and grab the rag from out of the bucket in the sink, ringing out the excess water before starting to pat it across his face.

Your panic still was not satiated, and your brows were still tied in a knot.

“You ran into clickers where? And how many of them were there? And when you say minor?”

Joel grabs your wrist to stop your motions, following your darting eyes with his own in an attempt to get you to focus on him.

“Y/N, Y/N, it’s okay, I’m right here- I’m alive, I’m clean, Tommy is too.”

He cups your face with his other hand.

“There was about 5 of ‘em just along the trail towards the old silo on the edge of town. They were crossing through the shopping center and we got the drop on most of them but some of them managed to get up into our vantage point, so it took a bit of force to take it down. But we did. And now we’re home. I’m home with you.”

You let out a shaky breath and shut your eyes for a moment. A few stray tears that had built up fall down your face.

“You’re okay?”

“I’m okay.”

You open your eyes again and continue to wipe the dirt off of his face, tossing the rag onto the counter when you’ve finished. You drop your head into his chest, not caring about how dirty he is right now.

“I’m sorry, you just scared me.”

Joel rubs the back of your neck.

“There’s nothin’ to apologize for. I was scared too. I’m scared every day that somethin’ll happen and I won’t be able to come back home to you.”

He moves his hands to the side of your face to guide your gaze back towards him.

“But I will fight like hell to make sure that I do. I swear.”

You sniffle as you give him a pitiful smile. He drags his thumb over your cheek, brushing away a few more tears.

“I’ll be holdin’ you to that, Miller.”

Joel pulls you closer to kiss you on the forehead before bringing his lips down onto yours. He starts out gentle but then turns desperate as if the idea of losing you was really starting to set in for him.

The kiss breaks and you rest your forehead against his.

“I love you.”

You whisper.

“I love _you_.”

He replies before kissing you again.

“Ugh, please- could you do that elsewhere _please_?”

Ellie groans from the edge of the kitchen.

You pull away abruptly, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand and Joel steps back as he rubs the back of his neck.

“Sorry, kiddo.”

Joel mumbles.

“God, I really need to get my own place.”

Ellie says as she rolls her eyes and stomps away.

You both laugh as soon as Ellie is out of your sights.


	18. Chapter 18

The weather really started to cool down within the next couple of weeks, but you didn’t mind. One of the few things you hated about Texas was the heat. That and the bugs. But with winter now in full effect, you didn’t have to worry about either.

The snow was tricky though.

It was something that you still weren’t totally comfortable with yet, despite having dealt with it quite a few times over the years you’ve lived in Jackson.

While it was beautiful, and you loved to watch it fall and blanket over everything all from the warmth and comfort of your own home, it made you nervous.

This year especially as it’s your first winter spent together with Joel.

When Joel is away, you seem to hold your breath every time the wind picks up.

Your anxiety runs rampant, worried he might get stuck in a blizzard or that a horde might catch him by surprise under the cover of the storm.

You’ve come up with all sorts of horrible scenarios and they’ve only gotten more vivid as your relationship with Joel continues on.

But there’s this surreal bliss that comes along with the relief when you watch Joel step through the front door of your home time and time again.

Never, ever, had one of your scenarios come true. Joel always made his way back to you.

Sometimes worn out, sometimes a little beat up, but he always comes home.

Except now it’s getting late.

You’ve made a pass through the town twice now, asking if anyone had seen Joel or Tommy.

You thought about doing one more pass but now the sun had gone down so you’re not sure there will be anyone up and about to even ask.

So you pace, almost stomping about the snug, biting your fingernails and pulling at the strands of your knitted sweater.

That’s when you hear it.

The sweet sound of the door opening.

“Joel?”

You call out as you quickly make your way to the front room of the house only to find an incredibly disheveled Ellie.

She opens and closes her mouth, like she’s completely unable to get any words to come out.

“Ellie? Ellie, what’s going on?”

As you make your way closer to her, she no longer can look you in the eye and her gaze darts back and forth across the floor in between the two of you.

“I- Y/N, he’s- “

You freeze, your blood runs cold, and you’re praying to God that the next words she’s about to say are not “ _he’s dead.”_

You let out a shaky breath and pull yourself out of your daze enough to gently grab Ellie’s biceps, giving her as much comfort as you can muster.

“Ellie- “

Your voice shakes. You clear your throat before speaking again. But it does nothing to cover the anguish inside of you that’s starting to seep its way out.

“I need you to tell me what happened.”

Ellie had been using all her strength to keep herself together as much as she was able, but she could no longer hold it in.

She starts to sob as she grabs you, wrapping her arms around your middle and burying her face into your chest.

Your body is still rigid, but you bring your arms up to rub them up and down her back.

“I don’t know what happened- him and Tommy they- god, Y/N.”

“Are- are they- “

Ellie lets out a cry. You squeeze her tightly, prepping yourself for the worst.

“Ellie, I need you to breathe.”

You take a pause as she to composes herself.

Although it might seem like you’re managing, every single anxious voice in your head is screaming all at once.

_Oh my god, he’s dead. He’s dead, he’s dead, your life is over- the love of your life is dead- you’re alone. I told you so- I told you, I told you, I told you-_

“They’re alive. But _barely_. Tommy had to- “

Ellie lets out a loud sigh before pulling her head away from your chest. There’s a damp spot on your shirt from her tears but you can hardly focus on anything other than what Ellie is trying to tell you. She takes half a step away from you, but you still keep your hands on her. It’s to help keep the both of you grounded.

“Tommy had to drag Joel all the way back to camp. He’s been unconscious for hours, they’re doing their best to patch him up but Y/N- “

More tears start to fall down her face. Your eyes decide to copy hers as that stiff demeanor you were holding starts to crack.

“I saw him- he just looks so _broken_. I- I don’t know how they’re going to fix him- he’s- Y/N what if they can’t, what if he- “

“Stop.”

Your voice is stern. She goes quiet as you close your eyes and take some deep breaths, forcing yourself to keep it together for just a little while longer.

For Ellie’s sake.

You flash her a weak smile as you open your eyes to look at her again.

“It’s going to be okay. Maybe not now, and maybe not for a while, but it will be okay.”

“How do you know that?”

Now Ellie’s voice turns a little harsh.

You brush a strand of her hair behind her ear.

“No matter what happens, I will _always_ be here for you. I will never leave you here alone.”

You pull her in for another hug, taking comfort in her warmth and strangely in your own words. It might seem a little selfish, but you’re comforted by the fact that if you’re always there for Ellie, she will always be there with you too.

Your own tears start to fall into her hair, so you gently push her away from you.

“Where are they?”

“In the infirmary. Y/N, I don’t know if it’s such a good idea for you to- “

“I have to see him, Ellie. No matter how much it hurts- I’ll lose my mind if I’m left with just my imagination, I need to see him.”

Your whole body starts to shake and now it’s Ellie’s turn to make weak attempts at comfort.

“Okay. I’ll come- I’ll- “

You shake your head and brush your fingers across her cheeks to wipe away some of her tears.

“You don’t have to come if you don’t want you- If you don’t feel up for it I can- “

“Y/N, you’ve done so much for me- the least I can do is be there to hold your hand through this.”

She shifts her body to face the front door and takes your hand in hers. Her callused palms almost match the same amount of roughness that Joel’s has.

“Besides, I don’t really think I can handle being alone right now.”

You give her a curt nod before taking in a deep breath, not letting it out until you’ve taken your first step towards the door.

The first step towards Joel.

Towards his broken, almost lifeless body.

And it’s so much worse than you could’ve imagined.

There is no more semblance of rigidity.

Not for Ellie’s sake, not for anyone’s sake.

Your worst fears are coming to light right before your eyes.

And you’d give anything to just wake up.


	19. Chapter 19

Joel fell in and out of consciousness for several days and he was never really awake long enough to talk with anyone. But you were happy to see his swollen eyes peer open for him to see that you were there.

You’d hope that you could be a comfort for him, being there.

But you also worried that he might not want you to see him like this.

Tommy had far less severe injuries than Joel which is why he was able to drag Joel back to camp.

But it also took a few days before he was ready to talk with anyone either.

You spent those nights in an uncomfortable chair directly beside the bed the infirmary workers had placed him on.

You stay awake just staring at him. Hoping, praying, wishing, that maybe if you pleaded hard enough, his bruised skin and broken bones would heal themselves right before your very eyes.

Ellie was right, he just looked so _broken_.

But he was alive, and even though he didn’t look it, he was slowly but surely getting better.

You’d never felt so lucky to be in Jackson with these impeccable people who were able to put the love of your life back together again with almost no tools or resources to work with.

There was a long road of recovery ahead, but you’d be with him every sore step of the way.

But you couldn’t do anything just yet, not until you knew why.

Why did this happen? How did this happen?

Luckily, you didn’t have to wait much longer to find out.

“Y/N? Are you awake?”

Tommy’s low scratchy voice pulls you from your thoughts.

“Yeah, I’m awake.”

He clears his throat and continues to stand in the doorway, awkwardly sticking his hands in his pockets.

“Do you have some time to talk? I feel it’s time I- clear some things up for you.”

He takes a few steps into the room to stand beside you. He takes one of his hands out of his pocket and places it on your shoulder, giving it a loving squeeze.

“I understand if you’re not quite ready to hear- “

“No- “

You look up at him and give him a small smile, reaching up to pat his hand that rested on your shoulder, returning the squeeze.

“I’m ready. I need to know what happened, Tommy.”

Tommy lets out a deep sigh before taking a small step away from you and jerking his head back slightly to gesture towards the door.

“It’s probably best if we talk outside.”

Although it was freezing, you had to agree with him. You get up from your uncomfortable chair and move over towards Joel, leaning over his body and placing a soft kiss on his hairline.

“I’ll be right back.”

You whisper to him softly.

You follow Tommy, grabbing your coat on your way out, and the two of you make your way down the street a bit as there’s a barrel that still had a fire burning in it.

The two of you stand close to it, rubbing your hands together to warm them up.

“So.”

You say to break the long silence.

“Right.”

Tommy replies. You head over to take a seat on a log that was adjacent to the fire and Tommy follows just behind you.

“Now you have to promise me somethin’ first.”

You pause, not agreeing to anything just yet but still willing to hear him out.

“Promise me you won’t judge him. I mean you can’t- he just- slipped up- we both did.”

“I would never judge him. Or you, for that matter. I mean, I haven’t so far.”

You playfully punch him on the arm, hoping to ease the tension just a little.

“Alright.”

You both sit there for just a second longer, as it feels as though things are going to change once he starts to tell you what happened. As if you both just wanted to sit in your past for just a little bit longer.

“It wasn’t a normal patrol day. In fact, we weren’t even meant to be on patrol at all that day.”

You shifted your body away from his, already not liking where this was going.

“We managed to squeeze in for a short patrol, one that didn’t require much effort or resources and that was according to plan- a short patrol that’d be finished quickly so that we could take a quick detour on the way back.”

“A detour to where?”

“Back to the shopping center.”

You freeze, wrapping your arms around yourself and giving your biceps a squeeze, desperately seeking some sort of comfort. But you couldn’t bear to get it from Tommy right now.

“You mean, the shopping center full of clickers.”

You let out a bitter laugh in disbelief.

“Yeah. ‘s not just clickers.”

Your eyes clench shut.

“And what in the world was so _fucking_ important?”

Tommy muttered something under his breath that you couldn’t hear.

“I’m sorry, I’m going you need to speak up.”

“A ring.”


	20. Chapter 20

“A ring? A fucking ring? A ring for what? You went up against, let me guess, a couple dozen clickers for a god damn ring?”

Tommy shook his head before wiping his hand down his face. 

“He made me promise not to tell you. Made me swear.”

“Tommy Miller, I swear to god, if you don’t tell me- “

“It was an engagement ring. For you. He was going to ask you to marry him.”

You stand up from the log, it now getting difficult to breathe.

“And it wasn’t clickers who did that to Joel, it was a bloater. Threw em’ – “

Tommy’s voice breaks.

“Threw em’ around like a rag doll before I even had the chance to take it out.” 

“A ring- a stupid fucking ring- “

You muttered under your breath, keeping your back facing Tommy. He stands up and walks around to face you. 

“Listen, we both knew the risk, but we figured it would be an easy grab- that they’d have moved on by the time we got there again- Y/N, if I would’ve known I would’ve- “

You unexpectedly find your body moving without your control and you’re striking Tommy across the face. 

You bring your hands up to cover your mouth, gasping in surprise at your action.

“Tommy, I- “

He rubs his cheek, quietly chuckling a few times under his breath. 

“Don’t be sorry- I deserved that.” 

Your bitterness starts to fade rapidly and your now pulling Tommy close to you, wrapping him in your arms and burying your face into his chest. 

“How could you both be so stupid?”

“Y/N- “

“Don’t you dare say something dumb like ‘love makes you do crazy things’, or I will hit you again.”

You both laugh, not realizing that the two of you had just previously been crying until then. 

“I wasn’t going to say that, I’m not that stupid. –“ 

Tommy guides you to stand directly in front of him, his hands resting on your shoulders. 

“What I was going to say was, I don’t have an answer for you. But I do know that he loves you- more than I have ever seen him love anyone aside from Sarah and Ellie. But he’s human, Y/N. That’s why I asked you not to judge him. He made a mistake, just like any other person on god’s green earth.”

You look down, your expression falling.

“But it was a mistake that almost got the both of you killed. And- “

Tears start to fall down your cheeks again. 

You’re really, really, tired of crying.

“That blood would’ve been on my hands. Not that I would’ve known it, but I would’ve lost the one person I love more than anything else and the closest thing I’ve ever had to a brother.” 

You reach your hand up to caress his face.

“I forgive you. But you cannot, ever, do something like this again, do you understand me?”

He moves a hair closer to you and gives you a warm kiss on your forehead. 

“I promise. And thank you for forgiving us.”

“Not Joel, just you. I have to talk to him first and then we’ll see. I think- “

You step back away from Tommy, the warm moment being squashed by the thoughts you’re contemplating. 

“I think it’s best that I’m left alone for a while. I need some time to think some things over.” 

His brow furrows and he shakes his head a bit in confusion.

“Think what things over?” 

“On whether or not I can- do this anymore. I have to think about what is best for me and my future husband and brother-in-law going off to get killed over some stupid ring that means absolutely nothing in comparison, I just- “

You take a deep breath as you process your thoughts.

“If I’m the one who’s causing Joel to act so recklessly, then I have to seriously think about whether it’s a good idea for me to stick around. For both my sake and his.” 

You take a few more steps away from Tommy, holding your hands out to keep him from following your movements. 

“Please- if he wakes up, please don’t tell him. I will come to him when I’m ready. You can tell him that much but please- I don’t want him to think I’m just- giving up on him, I just- I need- “

“You need to think. I understand. You can count on me, Y/N, it’s the least I can do.” 

You flash him a quick smile before turning on your heels and heading back to your home this time. 

Although you were expecting it, the tears did not come. 

But this worried you, as it was a true sign that you had a very serious decision to mull over. 

One that could potentially end with you being alone, once again.


	21. Chapter 21

You spent the next few days doing exactly what you said you would, at least for the most part.

There were moments where it all just became too much and you found yourself under a pile of distractions, all so you could just _stop_ thinking for just a little while.

That usually happened when you really let your mind wander, let it imagine what your life would be like without Joel.

Your life would be significantly emptier, that much you knew.

You thought about the extent you would have to go if you were to cut him out of your life.

Would you leave Jackson?

You couldn’t bear to see him around town and if you were to remain connected with Ellie, Tommy, and Maria- there’s no way he could be avoided.

 _They would understand_ , you thought.

 _If I left, they would understand_.

It would kill you.

Leaving your life in Jackson behind.

But if that was the price you had to pay to ensure Joel’s safety and survival, it was one you were willing to pay.

Tommy held true to his promise, making sure that you weren’t bothered by anyone over the next few days.

Although you would’ve much rather had someone come and stay with you in a time where you desperately needed comfort and support, you knew it was best for you to process this alone.

Having a friendly face with you might’ve made it harder for you to humor the idea of potentially having to leave.

An entire week went by before you spoke to anyone aside from yourself. 

Maria had stopped by one morning to give you some food she had prepared for you and to let you know that Joel was finally up and about.

“He’s been awake for three days now, asking for you constantly. Y/N, I know you said you needed some time alone, away from him, but I don’t think we can deny him sleeping in his own bed and healing in the comfort of his own home any longer.”

She reaches out to you and gives your bicep a squeeze.

“We all understand if you’d like to spend some more time apart and you’re more than welcome to come and stay with us for as long as you need.”

You’d barely looked at Maria throughout your entire conversation, you were finding it hard to process what she was saying and look her in the eye at the same time. 

You paused for a moment as you contemplated what you were going to do. After a few moments, you raised your head slightly and flashed her a quick smile.

“Thank you Maria, but that won’t be necessary.”

She brings her opposite hand up to your other bicep as she gives you a questioning look.

“Are you sure?”

You nod.

“I’m sure. It’s time for him to come home.” 

You spent the rest of that day cleaning your home and going over what it is you were going to say.

You still hadn’t decided on whether you would break up with Joel or whether you would leave Jackson. You weren’t even sure if you had the strength to do either of those things. 

One would assume that the easy choice would just be to forgive him and move on. And while you still loved him with every part of your being, you still couldn’t ignore the fact that he almost got himself killed for you. While you had no direct part in it, and even though it was his decision to make- you still can’t help but feel responsible.

Your imagination ran wild, coming up with all sorts of brand new situations that terrified you.

Sure, this was just one stupid, albeit fatal, mistake. Maybe it won’t happen again.

But what if it does?

And what if he does something extra crazy like sacrifice himself for you?

You could picture this in your mind so clearly, that you could almost hear his cries as his throat is ripped out when he places himself between you and a clicker.

Soon your typical distractions weren’t enough anymore so you decided to resort to some old methods.

Not wanting to stink up the house, you stood outside on the porch with a lit cigarette in hand, taking long puffs and reveling in the familiar burn.

You hadn’t smoked in a very long time, but it’s not exactly a skill you can forget.

As you leaned against the railing of the porch, stewing in your own secondhand smoke, you wonder if the universe is laughing at you.

You never understood why you held on to a few boxes of cigarettes over the years. You’d sometimes lie to yourself, even after you had kicked the habit, that maybe they’d be valuable- that maybe you could trade them for something, but you never did.

But maybe the universe willed you to hold onto them, so that it would eventually lead to you this very moment- just so it could laugh at you.

“You know, that’s a mighty bad habit to have, darlin’.”

Although he managed to sneak up on you, he didn’t catch you by surprise by any means.

Not that you knew for sure that he was coming, but with the universe laughing at you, the timing just made sense.

“Well, I guess we both drive each other towards some fatal bad habits, hm?”

There’s venom on your tongue when you say this to him, an almost resentment has start to set in now that he’s here.

You’d gone through several different stages of grief.

But now it seems you’ve backtracked to anger.


	22. Chapter 22

He stands at the bottom of the steps of your front porch, his hands tucked into his pockets.

He didn’t look much different from the last time you saw him.

The only difference was that he was conscious and that his face wasn’t swollen.

But his face was still painted with red and purple hues now with an added sickly green color as his bruises progressed in their healing.

“Could I come in?”

You laugh a little as you squash what was left of your cigarette onto the ceramic dish you had brought outside with you to use as an ashtray.

“Joel, this is still your home.”

Joel leans forward a bit onto his toes and turns his gaze downward.

“But it’s your home too.”

You set the dish down on the porch railing, letting out a sigh as you pat yourself down to get rid of any potential ash that may have fallen on you.

“Of course, you can come in.”

You head inside with Joel following just behind you, he copies your movements as you both start to take off a few layers and leave them on the coat rack that stands next to the front door.

You thought about making your way into the snug but you decided against it, heading towards the dining room and taking a seat into one of the chairs at the table.

You keep the chair positioned to the side, not facing Joel as he stands just past the archway.

You both sit in uncomfortable silence for a while only to be broken by the sound of the long sigh you release through your nose as you lean forward, resting your elbow on the table and leaning your face into your hand.

“Y/N.”

He calls out to you.

“Y/N, please look at me.”

You shake your head as your eyes squint shut, forcing tears to spill out over your cheeks. You grip your chin almost entirely covering your mouth to keep yourself from sobbing.

Joel quickly moves to sit in the chair next to you, scooting it in a way so he is facing you before taking his own hand to move yours from your face. He takes your hand and holds it to rest on top of the table.

You still can’t bare to look at him and you keep your gaze strictly focused on the collar of his shirt.

“Y/N, I am sorry. I am so sorry. I can only imagine what’s goin’ through your head right now, but know that I love you and that I’m sorry.”

“You- you almost died- over a stupid ring.”

Joel lets out a quiet groan as he drops his head in shame.

“I know- but it’s not stupid. I-“

You force your hand out of his grip, now finding the courage to look at him.

His eyes are bloodshot.

“ _Not stupid_? Joel, what kind of woman do you take me for? You really think I give a shit about whether or not I have a ring to signify what you mean to me? Joel, I-“

You voice cracked as you started to cry again. The tightness in your chest causes your breaths dragging in and out of your lungs in a way that hurts.

You tuck your hand under the collar of your shirt to rub your chest.

Joel moves himself closer to you, taking your head in between his hands and resting his forehead against your own.

“I know, I’m sorry- I don’t know what I was thinking I just wanted to-“

“That’s the thing- you weren’t thinking! You weren’t thinking about what it would do to me if I lost you! All for some ring- you could’ve just asked me to marry you, I don’t need a ring to show that I’m yours!”

You give him a small shove away from you, forcing him to lean back into his chair. You aggressively wipe under your eyes as you take deep breaths, trying to calm down in order to articulate what you want to say as clear as you possibly could.

“I know you, Joel. Enough to know that this _isn’t_ you. And I’m worried that- being with me-“

You pause as it feels as if your throat is closing up.

“Joel, what I’m trying to say is that if I’m the one who’s making you act like this, than I don’t know if it’s a good idea for us to stay together.”

“Please don’t say that.”

Joel’s voice cracks at the end. You look over his body and see that he’s shaking. You shove yourself up from your chair and turn yourself away from him.

“I don’t know what else you expect me to do, Joel! You almost died because of _me_! I wouldn’t survive if I lost you, so for both our sakes-“

“ _Please_. Stop.”

Joel comes up behind you, his body now pressed up against yours with his hands gripping your biceps. Almost as if he was afraid that if he let go, that you’d most certainly walk away from him forever.

You clench your eyes shut as you reveled in his warmth, once again.

You had almost forgotten what it felt like, it had been so long.

“I can’t bear the thought of losing you either, Y/N. You mean _everything_ to me.”

He brings his lips to the back of your head, placing an almost kiss into your hair.

“I know you don’t need something like a ring to show what we mean to each other. But Y/N, I just- god, I just wanted to do something special for you- something to show that your worth going out of the way for.”

He laughs a little into your hair, his breath blows down the back of your shirt and it gives you chills.

“In hindsight, it’s a bit bigger of a message than I was going for- but it all means the same to me-“

Joel releases your arms and takes half a step back. You slowly turn around to face him only to find him kneeling down on the floor, holding the cursed ring.

“I would risk everything for you, Y/N. I know you might not like the sound of that right now, but it’s true. I want to spend whatever time we have left with you and I want to look down at your hand and see this ring on your finger-“

He reaches out for your hand and despite your head screaming at you to not let him take it, you find yourself complacent in his actions of placing the ring on your finger.

It’s a perfect fit.

“Because when I look at this ring, all I can think of is ‘I would give everything and more for this woman, just so I could call her mine.’ So please, you say all I have to do is ask-“

He pulls you to step closer to him, placing your hand on his chest. His heart is pounding.

“Will you marry me?”

You sit for a moment in silence as you process all that he’s just said to you.

A part of you wants to tear that ring off your finger and never look back.

_It’ll save you a lot of grief._

That anxious voice whispered.

But as you looked across the face of this man that you loved and took in every detail.

Looking at all the bruises, all the new knicks that would soon join his collection of endless scars.

It wasn’t very comforting.

But as you felt his heart pound still, finally looked into his bloodshot eyes, you remembered.

Remembered that he’s only human, that he’s allowed to make mistakes.

And while you might be making a mistake yourself.

It sure as hell didn’t feel like one.

You bring your opposite hand up to cup his cheek as you give him a small smile.

“Okay.”

You say quietly.

Joel busts out a single, tearful laugh.

“Okay?”

You laugh and give him a strong nod.

Joel gets up from off the floor and pulls you into his arms, hugging you tighter than he ever has before.

“God, I love you so much.”

He says into a lengthy exhale.

“I love you, too. I’ve missed you so much.”

Joel pulls back slightly so that he can face you.

“I never would’ve made it without you, Y/N. I fought like hell to get back to you.”

“You said you always would.”

“I always try and keep my promises, darlin’.”

Joel brings one hand to cup your face before guiding your face closer to his to give you a gentle kiss.

It didn’t take long for the kiss to become more desperate, him angling his head so he could better refamiliarize himself with your mouth and almost clawing at every part of you to bring you as close as he possibly could.

You break the kiss, needing to take a breath and rest your forehead on his for a minute before pulling back to look him in eye. You gently place your hand against his cheek, careful to not put any pressure onto the bruises on his face.

“Easy. There will be plenty of time for that later.”

“Sorry. I just really missed you, is all.”

You drag your thumb across the top of his beard.

“Yeah, I know.”

You bring your hand up to rest on his chest and take a look at the ring. It’s nothing too extravagant, most likely so it doesn’t get in your way. It’s just a simple gold band with some minimal line engravings and a small diamond encrusted in the center. You have no way to tell if any of it is real, but it doesn’t at all matter.

“How did you know my ring size?”

Joel shrugs his shoulders.

“Lucky guess.”

You shift your gaze away from the ring to give him an incredulous look.

“You’re telling me you almost died for a ring that you just _hoped_ was my size?”

Joel leaned back a little as he laughed.

“Nah, I’m just kidding. I measured your finger in your sleep and picked one I thought you’d like that was marked the same size.”

You groaned as you dropped your head against his chest.

“You really are going to be the death of me, Joel Miller.”


End file.
